coming undone! | gayeon

chapter 7

Jiseok hated it so much, the way he couldn't stop thinking about Jooyeon even during their first concert on the tour. He was standing in the front row along with Tina and Taehyun. They had already performed a few songs, but his mind couldn't help but dwell on the topic of how much he missed the boy and how much he ruined their relationship. He hadn't even asked Jooyeon what it was like from his point of view. He just assumed that he was the one who had said those horrible things about him.

He hated himself so much for it, he was a hypocrite who only cared about his well-being and not about those who deserved it the most. He was a monster, and with every second here on the stage, he made himself more aware of it. He was there, doing music as if nothing happened. 

He didn't even know why he felt that bad for the way he had treated Jooyeon. Somehow, the way he scolded him overwhelmed his mind the most. Jooyeon didn't do anything wrong, and Jiseok didn't trust his words; he just continued shouting at him as if it were he who was the biggest criminal. 

He didn't deserve to know Jooyeon, and he hated himself for doing anything to him in his entire life. He wanted to say sorry to him, to apologize as if there was no tomorrow, and—

"Jiseok," he felt Tina tap his shoulder. Oh damn. They were in the middle of the third mend and he was supposed to give a speech. She showed him one of those smiles she only gave her friends when she was worried. The sight of Jiseok spiritually absent while performing on the stage was weird, to say the least.

"Are you having fun, guys?" He took the mic into both of his hands and bent it towards the audience; to his surprise, they all shouted as if they didn't know anything about the rumours surrounding Gaon (which honestly didn't even make him feel relieved). "I'm truly honoured to be here with you tonight, and seeing your motherfucking smiles just makes me wanna perform here endlessly!" he added, which caused even bigger chaos, and the screams could be heard through the ear monitor. The corners of his lips lifted as the fans applauded more and more. 

"Are you ready for the next song?" Gunil shouted from the back of the stage, and the people gathered cheered, getting ready to feed their ears with the loudest noises in their entire lives. 

Jiseok's fingers moved across the strings of his guitar as he was pretending hard to be Gaon.

It felt as if he had created something weird that swirled in the air, and made everyone around him feel it, even his bandmates, who exchanged concerned glances as Jiseok—running around the stage—seemed to be quite different than always. Not only did he seem to be absent here, but he also didn't behave as usual. 

They knew him well enough to notice the numb look in his eyes; they could see the pain that was etched on his face. And Gunil was observing him the most out of all the members; his gaze was welled to him as if he had the duty to keep an eye on him all the time.

He watched him as he mixed up a few chords, stumbled over something visible on the ground, screamed out the wrong lyrics, and continued performing as if there was no tomorrow.

Jiseok stood on the stage, but his mind wasn't there. With every blink of an eye, he pictured Jooyeon. With every second of silence, he heard his voice. Each of his attempts to cut himself off from what he had destroyed ended in the same way—he thought about him again.

His heart hurt, his mind was preoccupied with him, and he had to cope with performing on the stage at the same time. It was as if his soul and body were disconnected, both of them wanting to do different things at the same time. 

He felt sadness and anger at the same time; it was weird, uncomfrotable, and ran in his veins, making him incapable of feeling anything besides those two emotions.