The Me Inside Of Me

Destroy me

Things change
People change
But why didn't you ?

How did hi how are you?
Turn into
You're not the only person
Who's been hurt?

Why does it feel like it then?
Why can't i escape?
Why are you always there?

I thought I got what I wanted
Venom flew from my tongue
I told you what I thought
Or atleast I tried to
There were so many things
I didn't say
But needed to
I wasn't honest
Because I didn't want to hurt
You
You don't deserve my kindness
You haven't changed

I tried to revive our friendship
You manipulated me
Again
I apologised for everything
But everything was never my fault.

I tried to protect you
I said I didn't mean
What I wrote
What I said
How I acted
How I felt
Because I didn't want you to hurt
Instead
I said I was just
Angry
Upset
Confused
Unstable
Drunk

I didn't say I was being
Honest
Clear headed
Right
Stable
Sober

I made myself look weak
So you
Could have something to defend
Just like you always wanted

you told me you were guarded
Because of what happened
You promised you would
Never open up again
You blamed me for how you felt

You promised you changed.
Promises are often broken.

What about me?
What about all the things
I didn't tell you?
What about all the things
You took from me?
I fear I will never love again
I fear I will go looking for love
In all the wrong places
I fear I will always let myself
Be hurt
I fear I will always protect you

I didn't say any of that
I couldn't
I just let you destroy me
Now I'm back to square one
Now I blame myself
I know I'm just being dramatic
I know I'm just being selfish
I know I have no right to do
any of this
I know my hormones are getting
In the way of my judgment
I'm sorry for feeling like this
I'm sorry

I knew you were manipulating me
But I just let it happen
What's wrong with me?
I think it's my fault
I think I should just continue
To let you destroy me
I think I can live with that
As long as you're happy

You say you've changed
You say you're doing better

I've changed too
But not for the better
I'm worse
I'm struggling
Worse than I've ever
struggled before
I'm on the verge of slipping away
But you don't notice that
You don't notice what I want
You don't notice the girl
Behind the mask

I just wanted an apology
But I got a lifetime of hurt

If you had changed
You would have apologised.

I don't think the word
"sorry" is even in your vocabulary.
Even though you've said it
Over
And
Over
Again
I don't think you've ever meant it.

I'm going to beg
for the version of you I created
in my head
for the rest of my life
Aren't I?