The Me Inside Of Me

I'm sorry

You're not the monster
I wanted you to be.
You weren't the lifeless silhouette
behind the screen
that my own mind turned you into.
The only way I could feel right
about what i did was if
I made you into a villain.

I'm sorry that I made you feel
like you were the only person in
Our friendship.
I cared so much
I do care.

It is my fault.
I read too far into the things
you said.
I couldn't see your good intentions.
I forced myself to believe everything you said
had some kind of
twisted double meaning.

When I look back on all the things you said to me
The things I'd kill for to hear now,
I hate myself.
You gave me kind words
And love
And I killed it

You once told me that
I mean everything to you
But now I understand if I mean nothing.
I understand if you don't see me as a person
just a shell
who lets her emotions
get in the way
and ruin everything.
I know I'm half responsible
For the way things
ended between us
And that makes me feel horrible.

I know it's not fair to dig up
the grave like this
But I can't get you out of my head.
I don't know where any of
this dirge is coming from
but it's haunting me

Should I just love you from afar?
What do I do?
How do I know if I say all this,
I won't suddenly hate you
by next week and regret all of it?
How do I know I won't mess it up
Again?
It wouldn't be fair on you.
It would break whatever form of friendship we have left
And I don't want that.

I can't forget how I made you feel.
I can't forgive myself for
breaking you.

I shouldn't have hurt you
because I was too scared
to communicate.
I know I could have
said something,
Stopped it the second
I felt uncomfortable.
And knowing I didn't makes me
Question everything.
Why didn't I stop it all?
What was doing?
Was I just letting myself
Spiral?
Get hurt?
Why did I do this?

I didn't think about what I wrote.
"Manipulation" I don't know what's wrong with me
Or why I do this.
You never manipulated me.
You saw someone you could trust
Someone you could be open with
Someone you could love.
But I ripped that away from you
I'm sorry.

I never should have made it seem like I lied about loving you.
I didn't understand how fucked up
It was to say
Or how it would make you feel.
I do love you
Even through all this
pain and confusion
I haven't stopped
caring about you.
I don't think it will ever be possible.

I cannot sit here and force myself to deny we ever had any connection.
I won't do it.
It's not fair on either of us.

Nothing could ever take away
The fact we said those
3 words 8 letters
"I love you"
To each other.
That can't be faked
Or taken back
No matter what we may feel now.

I just want you back.
I just want you.
But I know I've destroyed every
chance of that.
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry.