Always Been You | Just You Series

5. Memories

*~Sasha~*

     I'm losing it...this rumor is getting out of hand. I can't take the constant comments either.... I had over 20 people walk up to me and tell me to breakup with Kodi -we're not even dating- because he only started dating me cause he felt bad and wanted me to have a chance.
     Is that all people think of me some pitiful little bitch? I told off the first 3 people but I gave up after that. I'm almost to the door that leads to my class when I hear people snicker behind me. All my joy and eagerness from earlier was gone when I left Kodi.

     "Look it's Kodi's pitiful girlfriend."
"Just breakup with him so he can actually be with someone that is worth it."
     "How can you even look yourself in the mirror, no one will ever care or love you just like Kodi doesn't care if you died tomorrow, you piece of rat shit."

I turn on my heel and start towards the exit doors. My face does not falter as I walk out, over the years I have learned how to conceal everything within me and not let anyone in. I was also raised that letting people in was like holding a dagger against your throat hoping that you don't combust and slit your throat.

I'm in the parking lot and I see my black jeep sitting in the corner. I unlock the door and get in. Then I'm left alone with my thoughts knowing it's a dangerous thing to be with...then they take over...my eyes fill with tears and I feel this terrible darkness start to enclose me just like it used too. I try to fight it knowing if I don't the memories will come with it. I frantically shake my head tying to ward it off but it's too late...I bury my face into my knees and let it consume me...

Something strikes me in the back of the head and I fall to my knees.
"You are a disgrace to this family! You were born to serve your brothers and I and you are failing at your one purpose! You will never be loved!" I look up into my father's eyes, they are like cold dead corpses laid to rest.
I can feel the blood running through my hair, then I remember this is just a memory, I was only thirteen when my father hit me that night. I feel a hard fist hit my jaw, I take the blow but don't back down and he kicks me to the ground. I immediately recover and try to get to my feet I almost fall but catch myself then I start running. I don't stop, I run out the back door hearing his scrams of rage from behind me. I could out run him for miles if I wanted too. I see the dark green grass flying past me and look up to see the moon starting to rise. I break through the trees in our back yard that lead to the woods but I don't stop, I run faster pumping my arms feeling free and at peace, I start to feel the burn in my legs when everything goes black and I fall back into the darkness...

I open my eyes and feel two hands on my shoulders. I'm looking into my mother's eyes now, she shoves me up against the door behind me digging her sharp nails into my shoulder blades. "You must workout after every meal, do you hear me?" She booms. I nod a response scared to do much else. "You are supposed to be skinny but not muscular for then if you are you will not be loved by anyone but yourself." But little does she know I already hate myself at the age of ten because of her constant insults and harsh words.
"It will already be hard enough for you because of how shit like you look, you fucking unlovable disgrace!" Then she slaps me across the face. I don't cry, I've never cried in front of my parents because I know they'll only hit me if I do.
     I hear footsteps on the stairs.
"Oh boys, you are finally home," my mother rejoices, she never acts like she hits me in front of my brothers but they are never fooled.
"Hi mom," they all say in unison. I smile at them, quickly putting on a mask so they won't worry about me.
Our mom starts down the stairs smiling. Then Bailey turns to me, "You ok, sis?" He asks lifting a brow. They're all looking at me now.
I smile and nod, knowing damn well that it's not true and if I were to say 'I'm fine' I would break down. They shrug and walk away knowing the shit I go through but never figuring out about when it actually happens.
They disappear into their rooms and I lean back against the door and then I'm enclosed by the darkness again...

I open my eyes, dreading what memory could be next but I look up and I'm back in the parking lot. I'm physically shaking, I feel numb as well. I place my hand on the steering wheel to steady myself but it doesn't help. I look down at my phone sitting on the passenger seat and debate calling Kodi but then I remember my parents words ringing in my ears that I'll never be loved and put the car in reverse.

     My steps feel heavy as I walk up the stairs to the front door. Once I get to the top I feel dizzy and worn out. I take a deep breath and reach for the doorknob, slowly opening the door I can only see Logan and Alex sitting on the couch. I breathe out not realizing I was holding my breath.

     "Hey Sash!" Alex chimed, getting up and walking over to me. I set my bag down on the counter in the kitchen but startle when he comes up behind me.
"Oh sorry didn't mean to scare you," he says sincerely, feeling bad that he actually scared me. "Listen Kodi's been acting weird, so I wouldn't bother him." Just great... "Do you know why he could be acing like this? He said that something happened with you?" He says looking at me with a questioning look, completely clueless on the rumor. Now that I think about it what are my brothers going to say about this? I kinda don't want to know.

A wave of dread and self hate wash over me like a tsunami almost knocking me over. "I don't...I don't know why he's acting like that," I stutter out. Alex shrugs and walks back over to the couch. I try not to think about it as I grab my bag and start towards the stairs.

"Hey can you help me with my homework?" Logan shouts to me as I'm walking up the steps.
"Yeah later, ok?" I peek my head back out and see him nod with a thankful smile.

I race up the stairs not looking back. Running into my room and slamming the door. I throw my bag to the ground and bury my face into my hands. I walk over to the side of my bed and fall to the floor. My eyes are waterfalls and they aren't gonna stop. Then it hits me, I start to feel the darkness consume me and I try to fight it, not giving up this time. Then it takes over....

     I look up my vision blurry. I'm laying on the ground the side of my face feels painfully numb. I try to get up but I'm grabbed by the neck his massive hand wrapping around my throat. I reach up with my hands trying to remove his hand but it's no use.
"Why aren't you like your brothers," my father spits. I look over his shoulder to my mother standing in the doorway to the living room with a cold expression that almost looks pleased with this situation.
I feel the blood running down my face threatening to make me bleed to death, the cut above my eyebrow and the large gash on my cheek that goes down to the bone. My nose might be broken as well it's at least gushing with blood. I feel my breath slowing and everything starts to fade into a blurry painted mural.
I gather my last ounce of strength and knee him in the stomach he drops me and trips, falling back on the couch. I fall to the ground taking raspy breaths. I quickly pull myself together standing up ready to run but I'm not quick enough.... He stands and strikes me in the side of the head with one quick motion. I stumble back refusing to go down I prepare for the next blow. He comes back going for my jaw but I swerve out of the way just in time and dart for the door. My vision is still blurry but I'm not stopping for anything. I'm almost to the door but my mom blocks me standing right in front of the handle.
I grab her biceps and shove her out of the way, not giving a shit anymore. She stumbles and stares at me in shock. I open the door and sprint. I know neither of them are gonna come after me though. I finally break through the trees and run into a clearing surrounded with tall oak trees. I take a glance up at the sky and see some stars start to appear then I collapse into the cold leaves, feeling comfort in the crunchy pile and start sobbing. I feel my hot tears and warm blood roll down my cheeks. I blink a few times then everything goes black again....