Love and Fury

Chapter 2

     Here we are. New town, new room, new people. I begged my parents repeatedly to try and just find another place to stay in the town where we already were. My life has been hectic enough moving house to house, playing both child and parent. Now I'm just going to up and move away from everyone that has helped me through those times? Everyone that I considered my closest friends?

     Unpacking all of my boxes, I start to set up my room. I might hate it here but at least I can make my room feel like my room again. I'm definitely going to have to change the color of these walls, though. Yellow is not my color, but the room would look good in purple. Maybe mom can talk to the landlord and I can paint it myself. No need to hire someone. I know absolutely no one here so I have all the time in the world.

     Starting to feel a little exhausted both physically and mentally, I dig around my packed things to find the sheets, blankets, and pillows for my bed. Finding everything I need, I start to make the bed. I had to leave all of my friends for what? I'm thinking to myself, and I sigh while doing so. My bed is literally on the floor, I don't even have a box spring for it. How could I ever invite someone over here? It's embarrassing.

     Shaking my head I sit down on my freshly made bed that is on the floor. I don't even know why I thought that. I swore to myself that I wouldn't be close with anyone again. What if we run out of places to stay in this new town before I'm 18? Then I'm just going to have to leave everyone all over again. I refuse to go through that pain again.

     Laying back in the bed, I stare up at the ceiling. Today is Friday. That means I have Saturday and Sunday to myself. Then, I get to start my new school on Monday. I tried, begged, and pleaded to try and be cyber schooled but the school I'm going to doesn't offer it. I think that's a load of bullshit. It is 2015, what school really doesn't offer cyber school anymore?

     I guess I am destined to just attend this new school right as I'm officially about to start the tenth grade. Nothing worse than switching schools and knowing absolutely no one at what is supposed to be the best time of your high school years. I really don't see this getting any better. Especially since I have a feeling someone at this new school is going to try me, and they won't like me.

     I refuse to let anyone walk all over me at this new school. If my mother wants to make me switch schools right after it started to be okay and I wasn't getting bullied as much, then I am going to be a whole different person. At my old school, I didn't start fighting back till towards the end of me going there. Sometimes there is only so much a person can handle, and I was done handling it calmly.

     The teachers never did anything about it. All they did was turn a blind eye. If you weren't contributing something to that school then you weren't anything. If you weren't on some sort of sport you weren't anything. If you didn't have the same last name as a teacher that taught there, you weren't anything. Everything about that school is messed up and I got sick and tired of it.

     I would come home from school crying. Literally, the girls made me hate myself. The scars on my body are scars that I made because they made me feel less than a person. They never knew that I already had body issues. That's what happens whenever your dad tells you that your mom had an affair because there is no way someone as fat as me could be his daughter. Hilarious, right? So, yeah go ahead and judge me. I did scar and mark up my body because I didn't know another way to deal with the feelings that I was feeling. On top of school making me hate myself and my parents being all drugged out, I really hated life.

     Sitting up in my bed, I shake my head. I need to not think about that. It's only been two weeks since I self harmed but I feel like I am doing a good job and I really want to keep it up. Sometimes emotions and feelings get too overwhelming for me and I don't know what to do about it. So, I open my skin. It helps me focus on that physical pain instead of the mental pain that I am going through. I would rather have physical pain over mental pain any day.