Love and Fury

Prologue

     I wonder what it would be like to be loved. Real genuine love. The kind of love where you roll over in bed on a Saturday morning and see your lover. Your hair looks like a wreck, bad morning breath, crusties in the corners of your eyes and your partner still looks at you like you're the most beautiful person they have ever seen. The kind of love where even though you have been together for years, your whole body still overheats when they touch you.

     It's when you don't need to tell them your Subway order because they already know it. It's when you're upset and your mood changes even the slightest bit, they know. They can tell. It's when you're throwing up because you're sick and you don't need to feel disgusted because they just love you that much. It's the love you really only hear about in fiction. A book, tv show, movie, ect. It's when you see it in real life and long to have that feeling.

     Don't get me wrong I think I have been loved before. I just haven't had anyone fallen in love with me I guess you could say. They can all say that they did but there is no way that they did. Love isn't supposed to hurt you. Love isn't supposed to make you question your worth. They don't love you.

     Anyone who can cause someone any type of physical or mental harm does not love you. Being gaslit is not the definition of love. Being so trauma bonded that you can't leave is not the definition of love. They won't let you go out with your friends to a bar because they don't want anyone to hit on you? That's not love. You're not allowed to wear what you want because it shows a little too much skin? That's not love.

     There are so many more examples that we think is love, but in reality we are so emotionally damaged from our childhood and past relationships that we think the tiniest bit of attention means love. Controlling is not love. It is narcissistic behavior. You might stop and think, 'They love me so much that I'm not allowed to wear a tank top outside'. Yeah, a tank top. I know you probably thought I was talking about some skimpy dress that goes up a little too high and doesn't cover your boobs. Wrong.

     Now here is the messed up thing. They don't want you doing any of this but they can turn around and do it themselves? That's the narcissistic part about it. You can't go out to the bar with your friends, but if you bring up concerns about him going with his friends it's a fight. A fight that you try and win with logic and reason but they twist your words so much you don't even know if it's making sense to you. They will make you think that you are crazy.

     The real relationships that get me are the real lazy ones. You all know what I'm talking about. The ones that work just enough to say that they work but still have more time on their hands then they know what to do with. Do they choose to do anything productive with that time? No. They will sit there on the couch all day eating food and watching tv and doing absolutely nothing. Yet, they still want a say in almost everything that you do.

     You go out with friends and if one person says the wrong thing, you two are leaving. If you choose not to, they will either make it so uncomfortable that you will want to leave, or they will argue with you right there in front of your friends and embarrass you. Your friends see this. They see the way that your partner treats you, so they tell you it isn't good for you. So then you think you can salvage the relationship by saying your friends see what's happening and maybe you both can do something to fix it. Wrong. They make you choose. Them or your friends. Naturally you choose them, because they love you right?

     I have been through all of these scenarios. The beginning of the relationship is like the fiction love I was talking about. Everything is all butterflies and rainbows until it isn't. Then it goes into a downward spiral. If you're anything like me then you know it is so hard to leave. Especially when it comes to codependency issues. Or the issues in your head where you don't like to be alone. It's having the need to have someone at all times.

     I didn't know it was possible to be able to be free from any of that. Honestly? It isn't. The flashbacks come and go from the abuse. The trust issues rise up from the cheating. The overthinking stays on full blast the moment you start talking to someone. Is it going to end up like every other one of your relationships? So you ghost. To keep yourself safe.

     With all of that said though, it is possible to start to love yourself. Years of mental and physical trauma can make you hate yourself. If you have childhood issues like me? Sheesh. It makes it ten times worse. I don't care what anyone says about 'you have to love yourself before anyone can love you', it's bullshit. I don't believe it because when I found the right person to love me through all of my messed up mental bullshit, I then began to love myself.

     They made me see what I could never see. They made me see that I was beautiful in my own way even if I wasn't instagram model status. They helped me realize that though I have almost been through hell and back, I am so strong to still be here today. Still standing. Still breathing. They helped me believe that I could be anything I wanted to be. That I couldn't let the past trauma hold me back. I could be so much more than I was letting myself believe.

     So, believe what you want. I will tell you what I believe. For one, I believe that you can find that fiction fairytale love. Why? Well, because I did. Which brings me to my second point. You don't need to love yourself to find someone who genuinely loves you. I mean don't get me wrong I'm sure it helps, but I sure as hell didn't love myself whenever I found my fairytale love. They helped form me into who I am today and I love them for every second of it.

     Come along with me and let me tell you my story. I am hoping that this story brings you hope when you are feeling low. I hope this story helps you get out of that toxic relationship you just can't seem to leave. Let me tell my story in hopes that it helps anyone at all. Sit back, get comfortable, and grab a snack. You're not gonna want to stop reading.