Love and Fury

Chapter 11

                                                                          TRIGGER WARNING  - ABUSE 

                                                                             One Year Later.

     If there is anything I want you to learn from me in this next chapter, it's to notice the signs. Notice small stuff that makes you question whether you want to be in this relationship or not. Notice anything that makes your skin crawl. That's what I didn't do.

     That's what I didn't do after we graduated. I let shit slide time and time again. Let him get away with whatever he wanted because I just wanted someone to love me. I wanted to be enough for someone.

     Don't get me wrong, I don't judge people who don't work throughout High School. Some people really can't handle having to go to school and work. I get that. What I can't get behind is you being grown and not wanting to work. I'm getting ahead of myself, let me backtrack.

     Yes, we graduated. No, I didn't write about it because we did what every other kid does when they graduate, (or at least most of the kids), we got messed up. I don't even remember half of my graduation night. I allowed myself to get like that, though. It was hell getting through High School. I deserved to celebrate.

     Fast forward and I finally have my own place. My own home. I worry about my parents constantly that I'm not there, but this was what I needed. This is healthy. Except I made my own home, unhealthy.

     I started with moving in Seth. Seth who was supposed to be all these amazing things. Well, he said he was all these amazing things. I saw with my own eyes that he wasn't, but he was supposed to have gotten better. I find that bullshit.

     All he has done since we graduated was sit his lazy ass on my couch, and play the damn game. Don't get me wrong, I love gaming. I do it to pass time. Or in the winter when there's not much else to do. What I also know is that you have to still work.

     Seth was supposed to have found a job as soon as he graduated. He we are, a month later and still nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be mad if he was trying and maybe doing stuff around the house but he does nothing.

     It's a fight to get him off the game. It's a fight to get him to wash the little bit of dishes we have because he's the only one eating. Wanna know why? Oh yeah, because I've been working.

     All I want to do is build my life and I feel like he's keeping me down. Right now I'm on my way home from work and I loathe going to my own home right now. I wish so badly to be away. I don't know why I can't just leave him. I feel guilty as soon as I even think about it.

     I don't know why. He isn't sweet to me anymore. He's an asshole. He's lazy. He's disgusting. I don't even want to be around him anymore but I still can't bring myself to leave him without me feeling guilty. Like what the fuck is actually wrong with me?

     So, that's how this has been going since we graduated. I go to work, come home, cook and clean, watch one episode of whatever show I'm on, go to bed and repeat. I don't know if it's because I feel bad about his life, but I can't seem to leave or yell at him. He barely goes to see his brother since I let him move in with me.

     The only reason I let him move in with me this early is because he doesn't drive so it's easier to see him and I do not have to drive to get him each day. I'm regretting it now. I think I'm getting to the point where he's going to ask me something, and I am going to absolutely explode. How hard is it to fill out some applications? Do some dishes? Get off the fucking game?!