Bini: In Parallel Universe

XXII: Backburner

Jhoanna's POV

I lost Colet when she started ranting about how long she waited for me between my busy days at school and some kinds of stuff. 

"I never told you how I always set an alarm every 5am from Monday to Saturday because I know you're already preparing for school by that time. I had to wake up early just to talk to you shortly because you'll be busy again the whole day. 8pm, I'm already staring at my phone waiting for your message that you finally arrived from school. During your busy days, I'll still wait for your free time. I don't mind if it'll take 2 days for you to message me again. I waited, Jho. Even when I was sulking, I waited for you."

I lost Colet when she started telling me how long she waited for me to make it up to her when all I did was to let her go repeatedly.

"Are you tired of me already? Are you annoyed at me?"

"I am annoyed. I hate it when you're not even telling me your plans and errands the whole day. No message, no updates. And after some time, you'll just came back pretending as if nothing happened. As if you didn't leave me waiting for you for hours again. As if you didn't leave me in on read. I was worried, Jho."

"Then, let's stop this. I'm out. I don't wanna do this if you're always like this."

"Look, I'm trying to understand you. But at least make it up to me man lang? I'm your girlfriend, Jho. I am not just somebody else."

I lost Colet the moment she tried changing her self for me.

"Why are you always throwing an attitude at me? You know I'm tired at school and I have other things to do pa. Please cut me some slacks."

"I'm sorry for being hard on you. It's just that, I have my own chaos too and I need you. I'm sorry, I'll be more understanding and patient."

I lost Colet because of me.

"I'm tired, Jho. If you wanna end this, it's up to you now. I was there when you can't fight for us. Now that I need you to fight for us, wala akong maasahan. I have limits too. I'm sick of thinking that maybe you'll finally choose me after you've had more time. Maybe I was wrong when I thought I don't feel alive 'til I'm burning on your backburner. I was there when you needed me. Please, I need to chose myself too. Look at me, I'm drain and tired. I feel so lifeless now, Jho.  I'm tired of crisping up on your backburner. It's up to you now."

I lost Colet because I made her my backburner. Just like that, I let her go. I didn't fight for our love because I became too confident that she'll never leave me. That she'll never cut me off of her life. That she'll reach out. 

But she never did.

I was a student back then, a nerdy and over competitive type of person. I was busy with my own world and self-growth -- I forgot about her. I forgot about my own girlfriend. 

And now, everything came back to me. I realized things. Sobrang tanga ko for letting the best love and most genuine person slip away from me. 

She was there. Nang mga panahong malungkot ako, masaya ako, kinakabahan, at hindi alam ang gagawin. She was there. She didn't give up on me. She continued believing on me. 

Colet, If ever comes a time I bump into you on our favorite coffee shop, I hope you would accept my invitation to fill the empty seat next to mine for the last time. I will tell you things I didn't have a chance of saying before we fell apart. I will show you how I took care of myself just the way you want me to do it. I will tell you how beautiful you are and notice every little detail; starting from how that shade of lipstick suits well on your angelic face, the color of your nails matching the dress that you are wearing, and your hair that sits elegantly on your shoulders.

I will apologize if my career made me difficult to love. But like I always say, it's not just for me, but supposed to be for us. I will tell you how grateful I am for all those things that you have done and taught me. If it weren't for you, I will still be eating microwave ready meals for lunch, can't cook rice on my own and I will still bring my dirty clothes in laundry shops instead of actually doing it all by myself. And before our conversation ends, I will tell you that I now realized all the reasons you told me why it will never work out for us; we are two broken pieces of a different puzzle, I agree, and I will just wish you with all my heart to have the life that you deserve.

I'm sorry for hurting you.