Bini: In Parallel Universe

XXI: Did You Fight For Her? 2.0

Mikha's POV

"What was it like being with her?"

That question is funny and painful to hear, at the same time. 

People, even some of our friends, thought that there was actually something between me and her. Well to be fair, at some point, I thought so too.

The first time I saw Aiah back when we were trainees, I never imagined her, being a huge part of my life. I was 15-year old introverted girl who was just thinking about dance and going home to Cavite during the weekend to see my family. She was 18-year old blond girl. 

Not a single thought of her, being my first love. Not at all. 

Did you fight for her? Yes, but she didn't.

A couple of years after just remembering her blond hair and bright smiles, we debuted as BINI. Someway, somehow, we became co-members, best friends. Going out when we get some free time, sharing stuff with each other that we don't with the others, staying in the BINI house together, sleeping on each other's bed. Basically, everything that made it easy for us to fall in love. With each other. 

But just when we thought things are going our way, reality slapped us, right in the face. 

It can't be. We can't be. Or at least, to her, it cannot and should not happen. 

I was willing to go for it. I was willing to fight for us. I know a lot of things has to be considered- our training, our duties and responsibilities as PPOP idols, our boyfriends.

See just how fucked up can it be, right? We were in our own relationships, yet, we both felt something for each other. Fucked up.

But I honestly felt that at some point, that was one of the biggest reasons why I was so willing to fight for her and for us. It was fucked up, I know. But the fact that I allowed myself to fall for her? That's it. That was it. I knew right there and then, I wanted it to be her, regardless.

So, what was it like being with her?

That's where things got even more fucked up. After realizing that I indeed fell in love with her, I suddenly noticed that she's being a little distant from me, and I thought I was wrong with what I thought we were trying to get ourselves into.

Going out with him became more often for her. While me? I broke up with my guy. I just don't want to cheat and hurt him. That was the first step I did in trying to pursue her.

But that wasn't it. Everytime I would try to talk about us, Aiah would dismiss the topic. The mere mention of the word 'us' makes her bit her lower lip and swallow invisible lumps in her throat. And yes of course, I notice that. I notice everything about her. I'm whipped like that.

I tried my best to keep my feelings to myself as I thought and I know, it wasn't easy and it's not gonna be easy for the both of us. I didn't give up but I also didn't try to push anything through.

Not until that night. That night when she told me that everything was just so strong and she feels like her chest would burst anytime soon because of the feelings she feels inside it.

"I love you, Mikha. I've been loving you for so long." 

I would've smiled if only she didn't say more.

"But I can't fight for you. I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything and just gave her a smile. I knew from that night on, everything I'd do for her could be something that I just simply do for her, because I love her. I can't expect anything from her, because I love her. 

I tried. I definitely tried to make it work for us, without asking anything in return. Just taking it all in. Enduring everything, even seeing my effort go to waste sometimes.

It didn't matter because I love her and I wanted it to be her, regardless.

But if there's one thing I learned from all of it, it's that --- love isn't enough.

Yes, we love each other but that's not it. It wasn't enough. We both have to make it work, I can't do it on my own. Until now, I still don't know if she was confident that I was not gonna get tired or she just didn't fell, as deeply as I did. It's still a question to me but I think, it's better unanswered.

Wala eh. Napagod ako. Siya, di naman niya sinubukan.

I don't think I'll ever get that image of him and her smiling at each other at the altar, out of my head. It just lives there, rent fucking free.

It's been a long time but it still hurts like hell. Because I love her. It will always go back to that -- I love her and I always will.

So for the third time, what was it like being with her?

You see, it's her. It's Aiah and it will always be Aiah. I've always wanted it to be her, so badly. Until I realized, she didn't want it to be me.

And to answer the question, what was it like being with her?

I totally wish I knew.