A Cutters Diary (editing)

Chapter One

I wait till I have a shower, bring out my blade an sit in the bottom of my shower and cut my thighs or sometimes.

When I can't sleep and can't stop crying I lay there with the thoughts that make me bring out my blade and slice open my skin.

People ask why I hurt myself but how do I explain to someone who has never self-harmed that it controls me? That I feel as I need to cut, I need to feel something.

People call me perfect or beautiful but how can I ever be beautiful with scars covering my body. How can I be perfect when my thoughts are consumed with the thought of blood dripping from open wounds all over my body? You don't realise the thoughts that I have, you may not see the scars or the wounds because I don't want you to. I smile when I cut now; I actually smile as I see the blood drip and the tingle I get when I move. I love this sensation.

What would you think of me if I told you this? Would you still see me as perfect or would you say I'm disgusting?

I cut open my skin daily but I will never tell you, because I have no reason for doing it. It's not an attention thing, but I don't want help. I'm okay with what I do to myself and I'm okay with the fact I will always be covered in scars for my whole life. It is what I deserve it is what I am.

I look like a normal teenage girl, brown hair, brown eyes just plain and Normal. But what I am I side in a lot different.

I can't stop this feeling I have, as if I need it. The pain I feel run threw my veins. The blade ripping through my skin and the white flesh you see before the blood spills out. How do I stop this feeling of want, I just wish to be normal. I don't want to be controlled by these thoughts but I don't want them to stop them. There the only thing that makes me feels like me. Without them I would be nothing. These thoughts make me who I am, no these thoughts are me. I'll never tell you what my mind says because then I know you will want to change me. I know one day I'll cut to deep and I might die but that's a risk I'm willing to take. If it means I could die tomorrow I'm sure you won't miss me, I think you will better with me gone, no hassle of a daughter, and no worry about waking me up for school. You won't need to buy clothes for me or food, you are better off without me.

I sit here after cutting my hand, feeling the sting as it bleeds and as I type this I can feel my fresh cut tingling and bleeding. I enjoy this pain, it makes me feel good. I have no reason to do this to myself, but the loneliness I feel within even though I am sitting here with my friends. They don't notice how I feel they see me smile a think I'm fine. I love smiling; no one asks what's wrong so there's no need to make up lies. You may all think I have something wrong with me, but this is how I've been most of my life and I've accepted that.

People ask why I do it but how do I explain that the depression inside me takes over and I feel worthless and unloved so much I wish to take my life. I would never hurt someone else. Ever.

When I was 10 I was bullied, I have never been good at making friends. I was feed up with school and refused to go at times or I would go home early. I eventually moved schools; I still got bullied but not

as badly. I started cutting at age 10, I couldn't deal with the thoughts that crept into my mind, and I believed everything the bully's ever said about me. One little scratch turned into two and then three, slowly they got deeper. I won' ask for help. My mother only realised last year that I self-harm. I never intend to tell her the truth. She has sent me to counselling, but it never helps. Whenever I stop an urges builds up inside me, and one day I can't keep it down. I cut. I as blame myself for my father walking out on my mum. She tells me is not my fault but if I was never born they would be still together, I was the reason he left. I have three brothers; none of them know what I do. I love my brothers, they may not know it but they are the only thing in life that can put a real smile on my face. Without them I may not be around right now. I will never let them see what I have become and I will never let it happen to them.

It takes over me, this depression. I can't help but feel like slicing open my skin whenever someone brings up anything about cutting. I can't control the urges. How do I explain that I can't stop or it will build up and I might just end up hurting myself in new ways? I do this because I'm unhappy with my life I can never make my parents happy or being able to help my parents when the need it. I can never fully make my parents happy; I am there only daughter but I am there only failure in life. I am no longer there little girl, I am what killed that little girl.