A Cutters Diary (editing)

14

Sorry i haven't been on lately, im under watch. You see my cutting isnt getting better if anything its getting worse and worse. im sixteen next month and I've always hoped i would die before then. Im not getting any where because i cant control this. i just cut and cut and i hurt so many people by doing this to myself. 

i now have a book with over 100 reasons why im better off dead. when i read it i smile because i realise how pathetic i am. why dont i have the guts to just end this all. 

the longest ive gone so far with out cutting is 2 weeks. everyone is proud of me but me. 

am i crazy. these voices keep saying i am. that im stupid should i really be listening to them? 

hmm? how i feel you ask... im not sure any more. i donnt feel happy sad or depressed im just lost in this world now and i dont know how to find home. ive been serching for so long but i can never find it. all around me is like a tv. something that i could never be a part of. all i can do is watch others be happy. 

oh how i love my scars now. deeper the better and they wont go away. they are beautiful arent they? do you love your scars, oh i want so many more. they are just amazing arent they :)