A Cutters Diary (editing)

chapter 5

The last couple of day where hell for me. I've just wanted to cut and cut and cut. I hate my body with a passion. I hate how selfish I am.

I have never seen my mum proud of something I've done before besides being a nice person. I have good grades, yea I guess. I'm kind to everyone, shouldn't everyone? She's never be proud of me like she has to my brothers, they all play soccer and she's always saying how good they are and how proud she is of them.

Am I selfish for thinking this?

I think I am so hurt myself, telling myself how pathetic I am how greedy I am for attention, I scream at myself "Get over yourself, no one cares about you! Deal with it!"

On Thursday I seen a doctor. I told him a lot about myself all while my mother was sitting there. I told him about my cutting and my eating problem and how I hate myself and how I wish I was dead at times.

He gave me medication for my depression. And he's getting me to see a paediatrician. And to see a diet person also apply for CAMS. I cried a lot and every time he asked me a question, I owed it to mum to answer truthfully, so I did but I held some back still.

At one stage he had to check my weight and hight and heart weight but to check my heart rate, I had to remove my jacket. I freaked out, mum hadn't seen the cut on my left arm. But so I only removed the right sleeve luckily and she didn't ask to see my cuts.

Unfortunately last night I had the need to cut to fall asleep and it wasn't that bad only small actually but when I lent back my elbow landed on a blade and cut it open and toke a chunk. It's alright now I guess but when It happened I didn't even freak out. I was only worried about getting blood on my bed and sheets. But now I have a first aid kit in my room invade something like that happens again.

I didn't sleep well after that I woke up every hour or a half. I don't know if that was the cut or my meds... We will see tonight.

I think I need more bracelets too. I keep looking at my wrist and want to cut it. I keep imagining doing something bad to it :/

This medication I don't like very well though, I don't feel like me at all. After I have it I have a need to make everything perfect. I get really tired around 2 pm and I'm never hungry, I don't want to eat full stop but I make myself. It's my second day taking it but I'm doing it for you mum.

I hope if my parents ever read this in the future, I don't blame you and I never will. I love you's and the boys with all my heart. If I do take my life promise me, please, that you won't blame yourself.

Today, I've decided to try the butterfly project once more. I've been thinking about how it might affect others and such but the craving to do it more is so strong. I need it to the point I brake down mentally and physically too. I'm hoping this medication will make me actually think before I cut when I see this butterfly on my arm. Mum I'm doing this for you, you've never lost hope in me even when I did in myself. I love you <3