A Cutters Diary (editing)

Chapter Four

It is hot today so I wanted to wear shorts but when i put them on i didn't relise how noticeable my scars where, i can't even wear short leave shirts or singlets anymore. I cant were dresses. I noticed to day my waist is thinner when i put my shorts on, my tummy doesnt roll when i sit anymore. Im in a good  mood right now.

I dont want to cut or burn myself or anything but people have noticed lately something i havent; i dont eat when i stop selfharming so i think i might be replacing cutting with starving myself well, i dont actually stop eatting i still have dinner just not breaky or lunch or any snacks.

I stop drinking water too. Why do I replace my self harm methods? I forget why I even started hurting mysef. It was years ago I stated and i guess its just an addiction that controlls my mind now. I can go through the day smiling but when i go to bed i want to cry and cut so badly. Ive been getting caried away with it now. 

Start will one cut then two cuts and then when they stop bleeding I go crazy i guees and just repetably cut. I am still in my shorts now writing this on my laptop and i can see ive been scratching my legs lately and they're red and scabbed. I dont even remember scratching my legs lately. I used to have nice olive skin but lately its been getting pale. my hands are still olive and my face and neck but the rest isnt.

i have work tomorrow and i have to hid my scars from my manager and my custemors too. I love my scars and cuts but i dont want others seeing them, i dont want them to do it or it to be triggering to someone.

my mood has been getting better, but mum thinks thats because i might have a slight case bipolar. i dont know you'll notice my moods, maybe. I'm told that im good at hiding things i dont want others to notice like my adhd and depression. I even hide it from myself.

Easter is in two days, not sure how i feel about that. 

Oh and my bracelets, im not allowed to wear any more stupid school rules. even though its school holidays i cant wear them since you have to cut them off :/ some of my cuts are healing but the ones i did the other day when i went crazy not even close.