A Cutters Diary (editing)

No More..

my pillow covered in blood, i hate seeing doctors. They think the know everything. As i sat in the waiting room I started feeling jittery, i couldnt sit still i kept movie and by the time i was in the office talking to the doctor i was stuttering and moving in my seat, i dont stutter ever. mum was going off her head as he tried to tell her i dont have depression or anxiaty but only adhd. he isnt my normal doctor, i dont think he can read my file propably. I couldnt stop scratching my wrist or lets. I needed to cut but i couldnt mum was there and soon after she wante me to have something to eat. i dont like eating. i rally want to. she made me eat then i felt even worse about myself. my brain was going crazy, i needed to calm down but nothing was working. Mum wanted to go to my parent teacher night, it was all good im an ace student.

when we finally got home my brain wasnt funcaning i was going to explode. I went to my room and cut my arm, i went crazy i didnt relise till after how bad its gotten. I think i may have about a hundred or so. i have to go see adoctor again next week and im not excited at all, he'll want to see my cuts and scars he'll ask if ill do it again. how can i say no. if icant even keep a promise with my mum. I think they might send me to a hospital maybe. if i stop cutting i uncontually stop eaating. i always harm myself in some way with out realising it. I must be going crazy or mad. I enjoy the feeling or cutting and not eating. reasonly ive been called perfect alot. I hate it. I want to be perfect so much, i look in the mirror and only see the oppisite. how can you all stand to look at me. how can you think im perfect or pretty.

i found out my brothers where aware of what i did to myself. I told them they ever do it I'll be pissed. their only answer was why would we, we arent stupid. that broke me. my own brothers call me stupid. I was reasonly told, cutting is disgusting but a guy i started to like, that broke me too. He pretty much called me disgusting, he was right i am. my body is, my scars are and so are my thoughts. why wont you all just let me die. wont it be easier i wont be annoying you all with my disgisusting habits.

I love how i feel so alone, people say they love me and care but then why are they letting me sit here typing what could be possably my last entre. I want someone to look me in the eye and say everything is going to be okay and hug me. even though i know it wont be. I want slice open my other arm tonight. I might just do it to.

*This book isnt for attention seeking its so your awair of what some people think and how they react to what you say or do.