For Worse or For Better (Shawn Mendes)

Secrets

I'm tired of the insincere, so I'm gonna give all my secrets away.
-OneRepublic

Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this some people search forever for that one special kiss.
-Kelly Clarkson

"Shawn, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I say gently. We've been sitting in his car in my driveway in silence for over ten minutes. We had dropped Aaliyah off at day care.

Shawn slowly looks over at me. The look of insanity has quickly been replaced by his normal scowl.

That's Shawn for ya.

"Yea, Sky, I know," he says obnoxiosuly.

This time, I let his attitude slide. "Shawn, can I just ask you one question?"

"Whatever."

But at the look on his face, I change my mind. "Nevermind."

And then all of a sudden, "It happened when I was nine, seven years ago," he blurts out. "I was at the store with my mom and my little sister, grocery shopping. When all of a sudden, my mom complained of chest pains. She said they were short and sharp, like a needle. And then they got longer. And shorter. And more severe. She went to the hospital after a while and they told her she had had a minor stroke and hadn't even realized it. They said she was supposed to be okay. Supposedly. That didn't last very long. In a month, she was immobilized in bed in the hospital.

"I stayed with her every day before and after school. I read her stories and brought her presents. That was when my dad started drinking. He'd stay out late and not come home for days. I basically raised Aaliyah on my own. I was driving when I was thirteen. I did everything, I pratically ran the house. And then my dad started coming home earlier, but he'd be drunk. Very drunk. And he'd hurt me. Over and over and over again. I would always provoke him so he'd hurt me and stay away from Aaliyah, so I took the beating. Still, I visited my mom and did everything. But in two months, she was dead. And Aaliyah and I were left to my father."

Shawn was looking directly at the floor, blinking. I stared at him, open mouthed, in aw and not believing what I was hearing. "I'm so sorry, Shawn," I say quietly. Could this be why-

"School is my getaway. It's the only place that I get to just be carefree and do things for myself. Where I get to be anyone I want to be. So I created a second person, someone who can be however I want him to be. I do it to hide how broken my home is. How unreal everything is. I can hide the hurt and the bruises and the things that go on at home by pretending to be strong. So I take it out on everyone else.

"That's how I got stuck with showing you around. I had a choice between detention for life or school community service. And you were my first project. So naturally, I treated you the same way I treated everyone else. But you were different. You didn't take my sarcasm and you weren't afraid of me like everyone else. You intrigued me." He refuses to look at me, but I listen intently as he spills out his life story. "That's why I'm telling you all this I guess."

Finally, he looks at me, his eyes wide with sadness. "That's why I got upset when you called me a jerk. I may act like one, but I'm not. And I knew you were the person who would eventually figure that out. I knew you were different. I knew somehow, you make your way into my personal life and find out everything. So I'm saving you the trouble. You made me realize that some people knew the real you, and others, well, they didn't. And you were what helped me realize that. I couldn't tell you that I might've realized that being a jerk isn't all it's cracked up to be because, well, you thought I was actually a major jerk. And just like all the other times, I couldn't tell you about my dad because I had to protect Aaliyah and I had already decided that I couldn't trust anyone. But I guess I'm gonna have to trust you because you saw. Please, Sky, please don't disappoint me."

Shawn was still looking at me intensely, waiting for me to say something.

And boy do I say something. "Shawn, I completely understand where you're coming from, but I have some advice for you." He looks at me eagerly. "You need to be yourself. I think it will help you so much if you just act like you do around Aaliyah. Because-because it's, it's...amazing, Shawn. You're such a good big brother and I bet you'd be a good friend if you didn't create a different person at school. You can hide how broken you are by being kind as well as you can by pretending to be someone you're not. And if your friends don't accept you, than that's their own fault. They'll be missing out on a great guy." I pause to look him in the eye. "A really great guy."

We stare at each other for a minute, and before I can tell how he's going to react, he's leaning in. Quickly. He presses his plump lips to mine and gives me a forceful kiss.

I can't stop myself.

Because I don't want to.

So, I kiss him back.