For Worse or For Better (Shawn Mendes)

Close to Death

Because you live and breath, because you make me believe in myself when nobody else could help.
-Jesse McCartney

It has been three weeks since Shawn was beaten by his father. It has been the longest, most dreadful three weeks of my life. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't clear my mind, I can't concentrate on anything. My brain won't rest, my mind races with every different emotion fighting to take control and decide how I really feel about all this.

I know that I'm mortified and frightened beyond what I've ever felt before, but I also know that I feel utterly helpless. I have no idea what to do and it's killing me that deep down, I know that there is nothing I can do to help Shawn.

What happened happened and I can't do anything about it.

I sit with him for seven hours every day, from three-the second school ends-to ten, when I go home for the night so my parents and Zac don't worry.

Thy have no idea what happened, and I don't plan on telling them anything about Shawn at all. They won't approve. So Zac has been covering for me lately, because he knows what I am going through and he knows how deeply I care about Shawn.

His "accident" affected me so deeply and there is nothing I want more than for his health to return to normal. I want him to wake from his stupor, I want his face to flush with the color that usually spots his rosy cheeks, I want his brown eyes to scan my face, reading into my soul and the emotion that is trapped inside, I want his cocky smile to radiate all of his smugness as he grins at me, I want the warning of danger and trouble that his eyes hold to show through, but most of all, I just want him. Period.

I want Shawn back; I want him to heal and prove to the population that child abuse damages kids and tears families apart. I want his father to be put to justice and taken into custody, to be out in jail where he truly belongs. And everything can be perfect for once.

But until the doctors figure out what is forcing Shawn to stay in the coma, all I can do is wait.

And it's driving me insane.

I find myself going to the bathroom to punch the wall at least once every period in school, so much that the teachers probably think I have a severe bladder problem. I find myself pulling at my hair trying to calm my pounding heart. I find myself not being able to control the screams that slip past my lips at random points during the day.

I don't know what's happened to me, and I don't know how to fix it. Tyler follows me around school silently, and I'm grateful for his presence and the fact that he knows not to say anything or mention Shawn's name. He makes me feel that much better, though I know nothing could return me to my normal cheery self besides the boy who hasn't opened his eyes in three weeks.

I find myself snapping at random people who try to ask me what has happened to Shawn. They must think I've gone crazy, but Tyler always covers for me and manages to save me from total humiliation. He seems to know exactly what to say to them, sending them away without hesitation, but with enough kindness to make them able to understand.

Shawn's tragedy has done this to me, and I know that I'll never be the same. Though no one knows who he really is or what he's done for me, I am aware of his real personality. Not the jerk who hits on pretty girls and pokes fun at the geekier kids. Not the one who has no filter and insults people at the blink of an eye. But the sensitive, sweet boy who's frightened and has to take a beating whenever he wants to protect his sister. The one who cares about more people than he even realizes himself, and who can just crack a smile and make all of my problems fade into oblivion. He has changed my life and though no one else knows, he's surprisingly changed it for the better.