Janto (One Shots)

Ianto's Diary

 // Minor mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts //

A/N: This references the episode "Adam" and the big finish audio drama "Broken"

Ianto's POV:

Shit. where did i put my diary. I always have it on me. There is no way I've lost it. Wait. Shit. What if i left it at the hub? I mean, i doubt any of the others would notice. What if i left it in Jack's office or something? fuck. i really hope i didn't leave it there. It would be so embarrassing if any of them read it. God, i sound like a teenage girl. I mean, i doubt any of them would read it. I mean, i doubt any of them would care enough anyway. Okay. i guess its best i not panic right now. I'll search the hub in the morning before the others get there. They would understand it would be a breach of privacy to read it, right? Oh god.

Next Morning

I turn off my alarm at 6:30 and get up and put on my suit. my disguise. I wear my red shirt and purple tie with the black waistcoat and jacket. Jack likes this outfit. Oh, shit. i need to look for the diary in the hub today. It will be fine. I'm sure. I leave my flat and make my way to the hub. I enter the building and just before i go into the main area of the hub I take a second to breathe. I smile quickly just to ensure i remember how to. I must be suited and smiling at all times. I walk into the hub. 

I open my eyes to see myself laying down on the table in the meeting room. 3 of my collogues and I looking like we fell asleep during a meeting or something. We couldn't have, could've we? As we all wake up we stand up and head to start doing some work. This is Torchwood after all, weirder things happen on a daily basis. There is a bouquet of flowers on Tosh's desk. Apparently they're from Owen. Tosh deserves someone much better then Owen. But no matter what anyone says she won't try to move on. Tosh, Gwen and Owen all log into their computers. "Ianto, what's todays date?" Gwen asked. "Um, it is the 11th of February" I replied. "Well, according to this its the 13th.". "Have we just missed 2 days?" Owen added. "There is no CCTV footage or anything. The records of the past 2 days have been completely whipped." Tosh responded. ".  Here comes Jack. Maybe he knows what happened..? Well, he doesn't know. Were we all retconned or something? Anyways. I might as well get on with cleaning up, or whatever i do.

"Did you call?" I say as i enter Jack's Office. "Found your diary" he replied. Shit. "Yep, I've been looking for that" I mutter quickly grabbing the book from his hand. He has that smug smile on his face. I love that smile. But sometimes it makes me want to punch him. Although, knowing him he'd probably like that. I turn to leave the room until i hear his voice again. "And for the record" oh god. oh god. What did he read? There is so much in that diary. Its basically my therapist at this point. Every thought i have is in that book. Even what happened after we went to Brecon. God. i really hope he didn't see that. "measuring tapes never lie". God i hate him. i really hate him sometimes. But i now know he has read at least some of my diary. God he probably thinks I'm pathetic. If he has read that diary, he would know that i tired to kill myself. God. I can't let him know that. Could i retcon him? No. There is no point in even trying. What if he fires me because of that. My entire world is spiraling here. I really care about him. I really don't want him to see me like that. I walk out of the office. "Hey, Who's Adam?" i hear Jack yell. I quickly walk back in and respond "don't know". I leave the office and continue my spiral and work.

Its now 9PM. The others have already headed home so I'm continuing to clean the hub, until Jack calls me to his office. Like usual. I walk towards his office expecting to see his shirt on the floor already. I walk in to see him fully clothed. Sitting at his desk. Looking a little worried. I Sit in the seat on the other side of the desk. "Alright Jack?" I ask, trying to break his weird look. "Are YOU alright, Ianto?". Oh god. this conversation cannot go well. "I'm okay" trying to maintain a calm and neutral face. "Are you though, Really?" he asked again. "Yes, I'm fine". "Ianto, i read your diary. I know i shouldn't've, and I'm sorry for that." Oh god. I am getting fired. "Are you firing me?" i ask, avoiding looking into Jacks eyes as i say so. "What? No. Why would you think that?" He replied. He doesn't sound angry. not really. Why isn't he angry. I proceed to look at anywhere but Jack. "Anyways, I saw what you've been writing. Thoughts of self harm and suicide even". This is not going to be fun. "I am so sorry Jack. I-" I tried to explain, until i got cut off "Hey, Yan, Don't say sorry." He said as he put his hand on my face. "I know I'm pathetic. I'm sorry that I'm not who you thought i was" I muttered as a tear rolled down my face onto the captains soft hand. "What? What nonsense are you talking about? You're not pathetic Ianto". Why is he acting so weird. god i hate this. I'm such an idiot to leave my diary here. I have ruined everything haven't i? If he doesn't fire me, he is going to treat me like I'm fragile. I'm not fragile. "Ianto, i want you to talk to me. You said you'd talk to me." I would actually prefer to spend a hour with my dad then be here right now. "I know- I- I- What did you read- exactly?" I need to know what he knows. God i am so fucking stupid. "A lot. I was only going to read a page or two, just so i can get a better idea of what goes on inside that beautiful head of yours. But then i saw what you were writing. what you thought about yourself. I can't read the things you wrote and act like it was nothing" He keeps looking at me. God, i can feel his gaze all the way through me. "I had been wondering what you meant when you said Mandy had saved your life a few months ago. I had no idea you meant-". God. he is going to hate me. I am such an Idiot. "You're making this seem like a bigger deal then it actually is-" i replied quickly before he could finish that sentence. I don't want to hear him say that. "YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF IANTO. HOW ISN'T THAT A MASSIVE DEAL?" he said as he stood up angrily. Did i make him angry? "I'm sorry Sir." I said as i stood up to leave. I'll be fired and retconned. I'll loose the last small thing left in my life because of a stupid diary.  "Ianto" He said, grabbing my arm as he did so. "sorry for shouting. I- I just can't believe you would've wanted to do that" "Well, i guess i am just more complicated than you think" i say, finally looking at him. "Ianto, Please. Talk to me. I know it has been a while since that happened. But if you ever want to do something like that again, tell me? I don't want anything to happen to you. You're important to me" Hearing him care about me feels so nice. I missed feeling loved. "I'll try" I gently smile at him but my smile quicky fades as i realize. "Are you going to treat me differently? Like treat me like I'm fragile or something?" "No, Of course not. I mean, unless you wanted me too i suppose." "yeah, no thanks sir". we pause for a moment. "Talk to me Ianto. You can trust me, you know? I don't want you getting hurt". "Thank you, Jack". "For what?" "caring" At that he pulls me into a kiss. His lips on mine feels so good. It makes me feel whole. It makes me feel needed. I like that feeling. after a few moments we pull away for air. "I Love you, Jack" i say. Wait. What did i just say. Oh my god. But before i could say anything back he kisses me again. "I love you too, Jones, Ianto Jones"