The Lost Outcast Book Three

I Can't

- Jade

It's coming back. Bit by bit. My memory. I still feel lost though.

My whole reality crashed and rebuilt by others.

Every moment it becomes clearer though. Being with Flame feels more normal. And the idea of being with Jaguar feels more like a memory.

I remember thinking about Jaguar recently. Thinking everything feels weird around him.

Now it makes more sense. But so much more confusing at the same time.

I just want to everything to make sense. I want to have had a normal childhood with my parents. I want to not have had amnesia. I want to erase the memories of being abused.

I just want to be happy and normal.

I'm only human. I'm 19. I can't handle all of this.

I'm breaking every moment. Every mistake. Every bad thing chips a piece of me off. And now I feel as if I am just broken. Nothing left.

I'm broken.

I curled up and cried on the couch.

I have scars across my arms of the glass. Scars on my legs and head from getting hit by the car.

Emotionally I am broken. I can't take anything else.

I don't know what to do.

Flame walked in and saw me. He was at my side instantly.

"Baby what's going on?" he asked concerned.

I just cried.

I probably seem like a baby right now. But I have been holding this all in for so long.

"I can't Flame. I can't do this anymore." I cried. He searched my face.

"Can't do what?" he asked softly. "Live. Everything I do ends badly. I can't even go to the mall without something happening. My whole life is a big mess. It always has been. I just want to feel peaceful. I am anxious and paranoid. I feel like Winter is going to show up and kill my dad again. Or that I am going to forget everything again. Someone will die because of me. I will end up in the hospital and be someone else's problem! Why?! What did I do to deserve this?" Everything cane pouring out of my mouth so fast I couldn't stop myself.

Here I am again, crying into some else's arms, never able to just deal with my own problems.

"You didn't do anything Jade. You've just had a bad rap. Things will get better." Flame soothed.

"When? Nineteen years is a long time. Flame I'm not happy. I'm so scared. I feel depressed. Confused. No one understands what it's like. I just want it all to be over."

I could tell every word broke Flame's heart a bit. He doesn't deserve this. Someone like me. I don't need to drag him down just because I can't keep myself together.

I let out a few more tears. "Flame I can't do this to you anymore. Break down and break you a bit everytime." I whispered.

He shook his head. "No. We are not going down that road. Jade I proposed to you because I love you. I'm here for the long run. I agreed to this when I decided I loved you. Don't you feel guilty about me." he assured me.

I didn't believe a single word. Slowly I wiped my eyes.

I need to get out. Just think.

Truthfully I wanted to talk to Jaguar. But I didn't want to tell Flame that.

I grabbed my purse and left without another word. Flame didn't follow me.

The walk helped. Let me calm down a bit. First I walked to my parents house.