relapse (kickthestickz and phan)

Chapter 11

phils pov-

I was getting another cab home. I couldn't bear to see Dan like that. I knew he needed me, but I... I just couldn't.

when I looked at him, all I saw was my brother.

but this was different, this was my boyfriend.

The taxi driver was the same guy as before, and I really hoped he didn't ask about Dan.

"hey aren't you the kid who's friend is in the hospital?"

welp.

I mumbled a quiet "yes."

"hey kid I really hope he gets better."

we arrived at our apartment building not too long later, thank god.

"stay safe." he said as he drove away.

he thinks he understands. he thinks he knows what it's like to have your best friend, the man that you love, your boyfriend, in the hospital because he tried to kill himself.

God I'm selfish.

I can't even imagine how Dan feels. Why would he want to do that? Was I really that careless a boyfriend am I to not notice it before? I could've saved him. I could've prevented this all.

just like with my brother.

I walked up the stairs to our apartment, not sure if I was ready to remember again. There was still blood on the bathroom floor, I hadn't cleaned that up. i needed to, but just the thought of having to clean up a failed suicide attempt.

I lied to Dan when I said I had to go to the store.
He needed me, I knew that for sure, but I... I needed to be alone.

I felt sick to my stomach.

you need to eat phil, the good voice in my head said. It was always telling me good things like it's okay and you need to eat.

but I never really listened.

I honestly hated the idea of eating. Eating wasn't my strong point, it hasn't been for years. I actually haven't even eaten in 3 days, aside from some crackers I had, and water, of course.

It was then that the reality of the situation hit me. I fell down to the floor and began to cry. and not just quiet tears, violent sobs. I was just a skinny boy with a suicidal friend who is crying on the floor of the lounge.

"why are we so f*cked up?" I whisper yelled to no one.

I just wanted to be normal, for dan to be normal, he would be happier that way. we could both be happy that way.

we could tell the fans about our relationship, tell them about the situation, and tell them that Dan was okay. but if he really isn't, what's the point of lying?

Dan's pov-

I had fallen asleep, but my thoughts are nothing compared to my dreams. I usually tried to stay up as long as I could, but I was exhausted.

it was 6th grade. I was in the classroom with Phil. the sky outside was dark, no stars or moon. all the lights were out in the classroom. there was no light, except from Phil's bright blue eyes.
He looked scared, so I walked over to him to comfort him. his eyes brought me safety and warmth.
it was then that the screaming started. it was all around us, but we couldn't find a source to it. it gradually got louder and I almost couldn't take it.
until it stopped abruptly.
and a tall dark figure walked in.
he grabbed me and began to drag me to the center of the room. I could see phil trying to get to me, but every time he reached out he was just a few inches away. he always got so close, but never close enough. his eyes started to fade in the distance, leaving the room pitch black. I knew he was there somewhere, I had to find him I had to-
suddenly the room around me was bright. No floor, no walls, none of the students were in there or even the teacher.

yet somehow there was light.

it was just me and the dark figure.
he began to run his sharp blades of fingers against my arm, as if contemplating what to do to me. I couldn't scream. I couldn't move.
he then tore into the skin on my right wrist, as if it was nothing. but he only made one mark.
he left me alone in the dark. I could feel what this symbolized. I knew even when I was unconscious.
but he soon came back, and I knew what he was going to do this time.
he made more cuts on me, and more, and more, until eventually my arms were
covered in these.
"you deserve this."

this monster represented my depression, everything I hated to be.

I woke up in the hospital bed, just as I had been before. I wanted to scream, and cry, but I knew the doctors would just come in and question me. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

they would just leave me alone with the monster, once they real saw him.

I can't lose anyone.

a/n hnnng what am I doing with my life
so I don't really know where I want to go with this fic, I have a lot of options but I want to make it for you guys to like it, so leave me a comment telling me what you'd like to see in later chapters.

in other news I made a shrine to fandoms on my wall so that's

yeah

anyways, bye guys!

-Poptart Nicole