After we had celebrated the clock turning midnight, I remember how I got a little tipsy and so did Jon. The memory of being on the sofa leaning into Jon as he shows me a few photos of Jordan when he was younger and we were giggling like a pair of teenagers. Even though I was giggling, I thought Jordan was super cute.
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At one point, I remember Jordan went to put a throw over the back of me because he was trying to cover my backside - apparently! That's what he told me we woke up the following day. Overall, it was the most special New Year's Eve I've ever had and I'll never forget how wonderful it was. It's been over a week or so since I got back home from our winter trip. Jordan, Jon and Phoenix all had work commitments so I spent a bit of time catching up with my family and some girly time with Bea. I've been having a lazy day and Bea had left to go home. I'm scrolling through my social media and I notice Jordan's name trending. Me being me, curious as always, I decide to search through it to see what people are saying about him. Whenever I've done this before, it's always fans saying how hot he is, how sexy and how they wish they could do such and such to him, praising his amazing vocals. This time I see my own name. At first, I was reading things like 'aw how cute are they?!' - 'I'm glad to see Jordan happy' - 'I met Nina and she was really sweet.' Then I was beginning to see things such as 'are they a couple?' - 'what does he see in her?' - 'he could have anyone so why her?' - 'can she satisfy him - he probably has a high sexual appetite.' - 'maybe he feels sorry for her and is just being a nice guy showing her a bit of attention...' I don't even realise that I'm crying until my top has a wet patch from the heavy flow of tears. I know in my heart I should stop reading these comments but I can't stop myself. The urge to throw up is strong and somehow I manage to get myself to the bathroom to vomit. I'm not totally surprised but it still hurts to think that's what his fans are saying about me, about Jordan and about us as a couple. Have they been talking about us all this time or has it just started? I reach for my phone that I shoved in my pocket before dragging myself into the bathroom. I've always had a low self esteem and I have struggled with self doubt since I first started seeing Jordan but then I got caught up in him, that he has been amazing with me. Now my worst fears have come true and I really don't know how I'm going to get through this. Jordan deserves better than me. The fans are correct in saying that he could have any pick of women because he could. I remember at school when I developed a stupid crush on a boy who spent the rest of school life teasing and taunting me. There weren't many lads that were interested in me in that way. It wasn't until I met Phoenix that I actually met someone who saw past my disability and found me attractive. He got to know me for me. Then between breaking up with him and meeting Jordan, I had spent all of that time being single. By the time I had met Jordan, I kinda given up on finding love and I can still remember how it felt when I learned that he had liked me in that way.
