The Fear Between Us

Chapter 22

Chapter 22: Remember the enemy.

"Remember who the enemy is."

But who was the enemy? Was it the communist government who shunned us because we felt unsafe? Was it the American government for having played along with Russia even after all these days of freedom? Was it the psychiatrist for not encouraging my growth? Was it my mind refusing to grow in the beginning? Or was it Josephine who was getting irritated with my slow improvement? Is it truly wrong to want something else even after living a life where you have everything? Why is it so bad that I haven't said I love you yet... I'm just not ready, surely that isn't a crime, is it?

Or is it only a crime because even after all these days of new revelations, I still haven't told Jo that I know who my torturer is, and she started to realize this? Increasingly, for these past few days, the psychiatrist and I grew a certain unknown fondness for each other. No, it has nothing to do with romance. The psychiatrist is married, and I do still love Jo, yet, I found it shockingly easier to speak with the psychiatrist than it was to speak with Jo.

"Remember who the enemy is."

These past few days have contained more psychological growth within my condition than what the past four months have combined. I couldn't deny that for her or myself. It felt... good. It felt good to just simply sit down and talk with someone, I mean, yes the topics were morbid but it was like a weight of a thousand worlds was being lifted off from my shoulders. The psychiatrist just understood my reasonings, she understood that just because I mention one thing that does mean I'm ready to tackle the ten other things within my heart. If only Jo would see it that way too...

"Remember who the enemy is."

"You've been spending a lot of time with the psychiatrist lately, have you seen any new progress lately?" Jo asks me one night innocently while helping me fold the sheets meticulously, "Yes, we have actually! It's going... good." I say nodding not paying attention to the fact that Jo is now staring at me, "And? Will you ever tell me?" I didn't realize it then. I didn't realize that she had opened the door to her heart to brace for the terrors that would spill from my lips, the terrors that never came, "You know you can talk to me, right?" She repeats quietly but it's loud enough for me to hear, "Yes, I know Jo don't worry." I said it with a smile as I kissed her goodnight and went to bed. As the days dragged on, Jo had found herself more within the company of the general, and I had found myself in the company of the psychiatrist. Slowly, without realizing it, Jo had become the new general within my mind and I couldn't handle it anymore.

"Remember who the enemy is."

"When were you going to tell me?" I asked Jo one night, anger and hurt feeding their way into my emotions, "What do you mean?"

"When were you going to tell me that you still work with him?" I asked Jo as the room filled with silence. The barrier between her and I was now clear, "Tara, what did you expect me to do? Am I just supposed to lose my job?"

"I didn't ask you to quit your job!" I stopped for a moment to breathe muttering, "Remember who the enemy is. Remember who the enemy is."

"All I asked you to do was to not work with him. That's it, Jo. It's not that complicated even as the captain."

"And are you ever going to tell me why?" She had a point. I was asking a lot without any explanations but how does one even begin to explain this one? I'm sorry to say but your general is a fraud. A manipulator. A torturer. Before the words had just slipped out of my mouth, "Jo, do you still love me?"

Remember the enemy.