enemy to doctor - the hating game

32 - establishing trust

"Josh-" my voice diminishes to a whisper "please."

He sets the tray down on the table to my right, then pushes his hands under my blanket and under my back. With a light movement he turns me on the side and halfway onto my stomach, facing away from him.
I try to go for a counter movement but he holds me in place. My pulse increases and I take a few shaky breaths, my damaged throat not helping at getting oxygen into my veins quickly.
Logic tells me to lay calm, hold still and get this over with quickly but my reflexes and head supply me with a ton of counter arguments.
Panic surges inside of me at the impending situation and I bare myself for feeling Josh's hands again- but nothing happens.
I wait for a few more second until I finally decide to turn my head into his direction.
He's sitting, looking at me and- doing nothing?

"What are you-" I stutter "Why aren't you doing it?"

His eyes and features are soft as he places a hand on my back and starts rubbing it in slow circles.

"I'm giving you time to calm and adjust. We're in no rush, so just try to get comfortable. Then I'll start. Before, not."

His words surprise me and I let out a long breath, releasing some of the tension. We remain like this for a minute or two, his hand on my back plucking some of the nervousness from my body.

"You want to tell me what exactly you are scared of?" Josh asks. His words sound scolding but his tone tells me that his intentions are completely different from that.
He wants me to talk about it so that I can get over my own fears. I contemplate my answer for a few seconds and then decide to go with the truth.

"It hurt so much when you did it two days ago."

His hand stills for a second and his jaw flicks a muscle.
Fuck. I certainly did not intend to make him feel bad for 'hurting' me like that.

"Not like it's your fault or anything, I'm sure it's normal and would hurt even more if someone else did-"

"Lucy." He interrupts me. "It's okay. You don't have to explain yourself."

We remain silent for a few seconds while his hands continue massaging and caressing my back.

"The injections have to be intramuscular so injecting in your arm or stomach is not really an option. The only options are the ones you already experienced. It's either the upper thigh or the hip area. Do you know which placement hurt less?"

I think back to two nights ago but all I recall is the fear and the pain. I couldn't say which one was less painful.

"No. I don't really remember." I confess.

Josh purses his lips in contemplation. "Okay. I'll do both placements again and your task is to figure out which one is more bearable so that I can apply to that for the next few days."

Dread rolls over me at the thought of having to do this every single fucking day. But I nod. There's no other option anyway.

"Okay. Do you want me to just do it or do you want me to guide you through it?"

I think for a second and then decide. "Tell me what you are doing please."

"Okay.  We'll go slow and you'll tell me when you need a break."

I push my lips together and nod again. This is all so fucked up. It's just not real.

"I'll inject the first one into the muscle right below your hip. Turn to the side again please, just watch out that you don't rip out your IV."

I do as I'm being told and try to get in a comfortable position. As soon as I stop moving I can feel Josh's hands pulling up my hospital gown.
Fuck. I'm not even wearing pants, just some underwear underneath.
I tense at the thought that my whole backside is just being exposed to him right now.

"Don't worry. Nothing I haven't seen. Try to bend this leg," he gently grabs ahold of my right leg and bends it, then pushes it to the front so that I'm in a more comfortable position "and stay like this. There you go."

His hands leave my skin and I hear the sounds of a bottle being shaken.

"You'll feel the disinfection spray now." I flinch at the cold sensation on the sensitive skin.

Next, his gloved fingers run over my skin, occasionally pushing down to find the fitting spot. I enjoy and dread every single second as it means more time before the pain but with every single second my nervousness rises more and more to an unnatural level.

"I found a fitting spot right here." His hands push down on a spot right underneath my hip, right where the soft sensitive skin is.

"Just take a few breaths and then I'll tell you when I push the needle in." My body immediately tenses at those words and I clench my hand around a piece of blanket while taking a few shaky breaths in.

"Very good. Now take a very big deep breath in and let it out nice and slowly."

I clench my eyes shut and take as big of a breath as I can manage, then let it out.

"Now." The needle pierces my skin and I wince. Josh's left hand finds its way onto my waist where he holds me steady while slowly pushing the needle in further.

"Good girl, you're doing great. Just a little more then I'll push the plunger okay? Breathe for me."

The pain grows and I let out a muffled sob.

"Now this will burn a little okay? I want you to count down from 10 and then I promise it will be over."

A burning pain starts spreading through my hip as I start to count. It feels like an eternity and when I get to the last three numbers I'm only whispering while a few tears stream down my face. God I'm such a baby.

"And done." With one swift movement the needle is being removed and I finally relax again.

"Need a break?" His hands motion me into laying back on my back and I look up into his face.
No idea what it is that happens with me in that second but some kind of stupid surge of courage leaves me shaking my head.
What the fuck Lucy? Of course I need a stupid break.
But now it's already too late. Josh is adjusting my gown again, baring my right thigh. Then he sprays onto it again and wipes it clean.
I take a few steadying breaths as I see him turning and plucking the next injection from the table.
The needle is big. Not as huge as the one Patrick put in my back but still bigger than anything I've managed before that.

"I'm not pushing it all the way in, don't worry. I know it's size seems intimidating."

I let out a long breath I didn't realize I was holding and divert my eyes to the ceiling while Josh inspects my thigh for a fitting spot.

"Here. Okay, again take a big deep breath in and let it out nice and slowly."

I do as told and decide to watch as the needle enters my skin and muscle again. It's definitely more painful.
It takes quite some time for him to adjust and just when I think he's done he presumes to push the needle further.

"Josh, stop you said-" I'm being cut off by a surge of pain as Josh pushes a little more and then stops. Automatically I try to move away but his left hand pushes me down by my waist.

"I know, I know. Breathe and count to 10 again."

I don't listen to him this time and simply watch as the fluid enters my muscle. It burns and I wince more, the more seconds pass by.
I'm about to start moving away when he finally withdraws the fucking injection.
Relief washes over me as Josh pushes a cotton onto the skin and gently rubs it. My hands unclench from the blanket and I clasp them over my face. Tears are still streaming down my face as I try to catch my breath again.
Meanwhile, Josh is placing a bandaid on the puncture site and pulls my hospital gown down and then the blanket back up over me.
I can hear him disposing of the utensils and then finally he sits back down onto the bed, grabs my shoulders and pulls me into his chest.

"I am so sorry Lucy. This nightmare will be over soon. I promise."