enemy to doctor - the hating game

36 - back to "normal life"?

I listen to Josh' footsteps as he rushes down the corridor and then I hear the clicking of a door.
Then silence.
I close my eyes and will my lungs to widen. I count to ten in my head and take a few breaths in and out.
He will come back. He would never let me alone.
The silence envelops me and slowly I can feel the panic making its way back into my system. My shoulder is throbbing, just like my head and my whole torso feels as if being wrapped around by a python. There's simply not enough air.
I hear the clicking again and then loud steps running back towards me. As soon as Josh comes back into sight a stone the size of a mountain falls of my heart.
Within seconds he has propped the little tube under my nose and oxygen floods my airways immediately.

"Good girl. Now take at least ten big breaths in and out for me. Close your eyes. I'm not going to leave you alone, Lucy I'm right here."

I attempt a wry smile which he responds to by leaning down and kissing my forehead. I start counting my breaths and suddenly it is as if somebody had lifted a curtain from my vision.

We freeze in the same position for around ten minutes. I'm lying in my blood-sprinkled bed while Josh has sat down next to me and started to softly massage my aching head.

"It hurts."  I admit.

"I'll give you some more painkillers and some ice for your shoulder in a second."

Then we fall silent once again. The new drug in my vein stops the nausea and I can finally focus on something else than suppressing my gaging reflex again.

A few minutes pass until my oxygen levels rise to an acceptable level again, then Josh finally gives me more pain killers and lays an ice pack onto my aching shoulder.

"I'll just text Patrick real quick about everything and then-"

"No-", I immediately stop myself.

Josh looks up at me. His eyebrows furrow.

"No?"

Fuck. I definitely should not have said that.

"No, I mean-", I struggle at finding the fitting words "just forget what I said."

Josh ignores my words.

"Lucy, you are his patient. He would never do any harm to you. We're both trying."

His voice is low and I can hear a tiny bit of pain sounding through the tone of it. As if his vocal chords would have been dripped into ice cold water.

"I know. I am sorry- I honestly am. I did not mean it that way-"

"It's fine."

But his voice suggests that it isn't. He gets up and brings the bowl with my dinner remnants into the neighboring bathroom. A few seconds later I hear him flush. Then he reappears in the doorframe, leans against it with his arms folded in front of his chest and looks at me.

We keep eye contact for a few seconds before he finally breaks the silence.

"You know, if I didn't know better I'd think that you're unthankful."

The words stab like a knife.

"But I know better than that. So, what is it?"

I divert my eyes and use my right hand to carefully brush a few strands of hair away.

"I don't know," I whisper "I think that it's just- everything that happened lately. Your brother helped me a lot and I will always be extremely thankful for that. But I went through a lot of pain over these days."

Josh' features soften.

"I see. I hope that you can get to know my brother on a normal basis someday. Not as your surgeon or doctor."