Melody of death | English Version | Charles Leclerc FF

forty-nine ఌ

After I picked up Elmo who spent the weekend with my parents again, I had to go to the veterinary clinic in Monte Carlo only two hours later because of the blood results. My heart beat to my throat when I pushed the door open. The medical smell got into my nose and was responsible for my airways becoming dry. My chest narrowed with a bad feeling. Something in me has already announced that it will not be good news. Of course not, otherwise the chief veterinarian would not have let me come here. A simple phone call would have been enough for something harmless.

When Elmo and I were called after five minutes of waiting, my knees became soft like jelly. The fear of that what was coming up now had already took me over. I knew it, when I saw the apologizing gaze of the veterinarian. No matter what she would say now: it will be nothing what you can heal with some pills or medicine.
She greeted me with a handshake and then turned to her computer. She seemed to search for the blood results. Then she asked me to step to her. I looked at the big screen and saw diagrams which had inscriptions of various diseases.
„Unfortunately, our suspicion of a tumor in the stomach has been more than clearly confirmed.", she pointed on a bar that was dark red and longer than the others. „And additionally it's aggressive, so it already spread.", She looked at me in pity and sighed. I couldn't speak even one single word. My mouth was dry. A dumpling burned in my throat and my chest had contracted so tightly that I couldn't even breathe. Why Elmo? He had always been a good dog.

„I wish I had better news for you...", the veterinarian added and looked again on the screen.  „But your dog is suffering. Please think about what is the best for him.", the words stabbed in my heart like a knife. I knew what she meant and I also knew that she was right. I don't need to fool myself to know which solution was best for Elmo. He didn't deserve to live the last months of his life with pain and suffering.
„Put him to sleep, isn't it?", I asked even though I actually knew it. A wordless nodding was the only answer that was necessary. It took me my last hope that I still had had. It was over. And I won't be able to change something.

„If you need more time...", I interrupted the veterinarian. It was clear to me that it won't become easier if I wait a few more days. Especially not for Elmo. „It's best for him. I understand that. I've had this situation before...", I croaked, „I have to free him. He doesn't deserve to suffer.", I did everything to hold back my tears. My chest hurt. No, everything in me hurt.

„I will make an appointment. Today we are full, but tomorrow...", The veterinarian left the sentence unfinished in the room, but I didn't have to hear it completely to understand it. It was an indirect question and although it tore my heart, I knew it was right.
I looked to Elmo, then to her again. I hesitated. I was bad. I would have liked to have thrown up. „Then tomorrow." She nodded understandingly, clicked something around on the keyboard, which I only got blurred. It hurt me to know that I had made an appointment for the anniversary of his death. Is that fair? To decide when he dies? Without him joining the conversation? For sure it was clear to me that it's only for his best, but that didn't make it easier.

As a farewell, the veterinarian pulled me into her arms and expressed again clearly how much she was sorry. I just nodded and forced myself to smile, which I probably didn't do well. One of the assistants stroked my back and nodded to me with pity.

After I left the clinic, loaded Elmo and climbed into the driver's seat, I collapsed inside myself. My head sank onto the steering wheel and merciless tears ran down my cheeks. No word could describe what I felt. I had no idea how I should survive tomorrow or even the following days.
I reached for my cell phone. Not because I wanted pity, but because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it tomorrow if I was alone.
It didn't take long for me to hear Charles' voice. It sounded warm but was still too cool to warm my already cold heart.