She had asked a question and instantly I went deep into my thoughts.
"Did you make the list?" She asked again. Her voice was so comforting. The couple months I have been seeing her really made a lot of difference.
"Yes I made a list." I look down on the piece of paper in my hand and smile.
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"Can I see the list?"
I looked up from the paper to her and shook my head, "it's kind of embarrassing."
Why the hell did I bring it here?
"It's ok, remember I am not here to judge you. I'm here to help where I can," She said.
I closed my eyes and gingerly handed her the paper. The embarrassment that was washing over me just allowed me to open one eye to peek at her face, she had no expression whatsoever.
Was that a good thing? She was really professional because of the things I have said and she never seemed fazed.
"This is not the list that I ask for Stacy. I don't even know what this is about."
I opened my eyes then got up from the couch and started pacing the room.
"I know Dr. Ellis but you said I should always say or write down how I feel and a few days ago that's how I felt, so I wrote it down." I felt a little irritable after expressing myself.
"Calm down," she said softly.
"I'm sorry Dr. Ellis, it's just thinking about it makes me so... ugh! I hate this feeling."
She allowed me to walk it off until I felt relaxed again. It did take me a moment but she was patient with me.
"Do you want to have a seat and tell me what happened and what gave you the reason to make this list?."
I took some deep breaths while throwing my head back and forth until I felt like I was satisfied. After I finally completely relaxed, I went back to sit on the couch.
"It's kind of embarrassing."
She smiled at me then took her notepad and pen up from the small table beside her couch.
"Let me remind you, I'm not here to judge, I'm here to listen and help," she said.
She kept saying it but I knew deep down inside she was laughing at all the things I've told her and I know she must have some wild stories to share with her husband.
Then again she is married. No marriage is perfect but also I was sure it wasn't as chaotic as mine. My husband is a evil torment soul and I am afraid he has fucked his demons into me.
