The Night The Stars Went Out

to the girl after me

TW: SA, R*PE, ABUSE

to the girl after me,
i'm sorry that you won't see it yet, the guy he truly is. he will seem so sweet and funny, gentle and caring... but he's so far from that. i was fooled for too long, blinded by how much i loved him. i let so much slide until one day i started telling him how hurt i was over the things he'd do.
in the beginning he'd spend so much time with me, like being with me was the only place he wanted to be. in reality i was just a human sex toy for his own personal fantasies. he would spit in my face thinking i liked it, when i said i didn't. he smacked me so hard across the face that my head was rattling and my ears were ringing, he knew it brought back childhood trauma. he would have sex with me without me wanting it and telling him no. he was accused of rape in high school and i could see it being true... but i believed him when he said he didn't. why was i such a fool?
as if him violating me in ways i didn't want weren't enough signs for me to run away as fast as i could.
after knowing me for 24 hours he said he loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend, where i was foolish once again and said yes. i would tell him i loved him in return after that when i truly didn't feel it until a few months in. his longest relationship lasted 6 months and i was his longest of a year and 3 months. after the one year mark he shifted. he stopped caring, stopped loving, and even said he kept using me for sex because we were "both there", when all i wanted was to spend genuine time with him.
he would make up excuses to not do things with me that i enjoyed but i spent so much time and money to do the things that he wanted. we were suppose to meet his favorite actor and he dumped me 5 hours before simply because i was worried about him and wanted to get to the bottom of what was wrong. whenever something hurt me that he did and i told him about it he would accuse me of "complaining" at him when i just needed communication and my feelings to be seen and heard. i tried to fight for him and now i just wonder, why?
he would tell me i was the most beautiful girl in the world then go tell his coworker that he missed an old female worker because she was "hot". i can't leave out the poor girl who felt so uncomfortable around him because he kept pushing himself on her to the point that she had to call someone in to close with them. he's manipulative, narcissistic and emotionally abusive in ways that i couldn't see until he was gone.
he will choose his friends over you and his silly little games. he will stay in bed all day and deny actual big boy jobs that could get him out of his awful living situation. he won't pick you over anyone. if you want kids, don't waste your time because he hates them... including his baby brother who even i love more than he ever will. he will never settle because he gets bored. he will only want you if you have boobs or an ass, at least that's how he told me he picked girls in the past.
he'll have sex with you and take videos that he sends to his friend and keeps them in a hidden folder. who knows who he's showing then? maybe we should also mention how he acts too sexually around his cousin who's a minor, sitting on her and leaning on her while he lets you sit alone at the table on thanksgiving with all of his family staring at you and trying to talk to you because he's too busy fucking around. even the night i met him he wasn't just flirting with me but also trying to get with my friends who were minors at the time. he's worse than you can see right now because he won't show it until you're in so deep.
knowing you... you are probably one of the sweetest girls around. that's what he goes for... because i'm just like you. our hearts love hard and people sometimes take advantage of that. they take our kindness as weakness. i don't want him to take advantage of you like he did with me. he doesn't know how to love like we do. he only thinks of one thing and it's not the love we crave most. he won't take kindly to no and continue to keep trying until you just let him have what he wants, he will still take what he wants even when you say no, over and over again. he'll "pay you back" but you'll truly never see that money again. he also thinks as a little white boy it's okay to use the "N" word then laugh about it later. i can't believe i let that slide for so long.
i'm mad at myself for letting him do these things to me... so babygirl please run while you can because i should have. now i'm stuck with trust issues that only got worse, the trauma a narcissist leaves behind, and more scars on my heart than i can count.
he will hold you by the ankles so you can't fly and rip out your wings so you'll never touch the sky. i know because i'm trying to stitch mine back on while he's out having fun.
please save yourself for the little version of you and the woman you have yet to become.
- the girl he left to break but is now mending.