The Only One | Negan

31. Chaos

Epilogue

The morning after was quiet. And all of the other ones following were. The only sounds at dawn were birds chirping happily and the occasional yell or laughter of people, getting up to work. There was a heavy weight lifted off of everyone in Alexandria and it could be seen and heard by the way they all acted. Free, happy. Hopeful.

The days were alright, at first long and painful as my wound healed, but eventually got better. The inflammation passed and now all that was left was just a pink scar adorning my skin. Another one to add to the collection.

The nights were the worst. As my physical wound progressed, my heart continued ripping apart into tiny little pieces. There was something in the velvet darkness and the small hours, that seemed to suffocate me. Maybe it was the complete silence. I felt like it couldn't get worse, but somehow it always did.

I already knew that heartbreak actually physically hurt. I experienced it when my parents passed. But that one hurt differently. Because he was not dead.

Rick was worried. He constantly came into my room and tried to get me to go out. I wasn't bedridden anymore and was perfectly fine to walk, but I just chose to stay inside. I felt like if I got on with my life, then I would accept that it was truly over. Whatever this dream was, it was over.

Eventually, after some much-needed time, I finally stepped out of the house. I only managed to make it to Carol's house, where I had a cup of tea with her and she got me up to date with everything. But I couldn't care less. It was the adrenaline that got me through stuff before. And of course, the love I had for my family and friends and the need to protect them. But there was numbness to all of it before he came. He set fire to everything, to me, the second he stepped out of that RV that fateful night. That fire burned in hatred at first but slowly changed its flames into something else entirely. He showed me what life could really be like, what love and happiness could feel like. What the future could look like. And then he took it all away. It was like some sort of abstinence and the flames of that fire he lit up were now smoldering, low, and tamed. They were just blazing hot embers now that burned me each time I thought of him.

I went out to hunt with Daryl. Once. I wasn't mad at him, maybe just a bit hurt. Although I knew it wasn't his fault, still in the back of my mind I silently blamed him because of what I saw that night. He knew, he felt the shift in my behavior towards him. The new unannounced coldness. He even tried to talk about it one time, but I cut him short.

The only thing that made me truly happy was playing with Judith and the puppy. Cherry did remind me of him, but it was a gentle reminder, one that didn't hurt as much. Not like the ring that sat hidden in my drawer, or the red thread around my wrist, which I contemplated taking off numerous times. But the moments on the green grass in our backyard, with Judith running in circles as the puppy chased her barking, were like a gift among all the pain and anger I felt.

I didn't want to go scavenging, or scouting. There was nothing Rick or Michonne or even Aaron could say to make me go out and do that. I also refused to keep watch on the tower, because I was too afraid I was going to spot the black truck somewhere in the distance. I stepped down from the position of second in charge as well. They weren't happy to lose one of the best soldiers they had, but I didn't want to be a part of that anymore. Instead, I helped with other things in the community, like gardening. I loved gardening, it made me calm. Or painting and cleaning the abandoned houses for potential new owners. They were small odd jobs, but at least they took my mind off things.

He didn't want to be with me. Not really. If he did truly love me, he would've stayed. But, oh, was I ready to give up my life just so I could be with him again. The one. The only one. The only one I cared about in that way, for the first time ever. Hopefully, the last too. Wrapped up in the white sheets in the huge bed in that green house. His lips on mine, his hands tightly around me. Something I never knew I'd want, but now needed.

I dreamt of him almost every other night. And I swear I could hear his laugh, his voice. I dreamt of him in such detail, that I could see every last speck of brown in his light hazel eyes. It shouldn't hurt so much. For so long.
But it did. And it kept on hurting.
I didn't know how much time had passed, I didn't keep count and I didn't care.

Rick tried to keep me out of the plans for the impending war with the Commonwealth. He didn't want to trouble me with that. But sometimes they held the meetings in the living room downstairs and I could hear them talking. And the moments that I made out his name being said, my world felt like crashing down again.

Apparently, the Commonwealth completely shut down its walls but there was something in the shadows that was even worse than Pamela Milton. Rick couldn't put his finger on what it was and who it was and it nearly drove him crazy. The four communities sent scouts a couple of times, different methods, but none of them came back. Taking down two of the Commonwealth's outposts, the one near Hilltop and another 50 miles north of the Sanctuary, and killing their leader and her right hand was a declaration. And all of the leaders felt like they were jumping into deep unknown waters. Eugene proposed a plan for defending ourselves if things go south and the Commonwealth attacks. It was simple, yet effective - dip our cold weapons in walker blood for close combat fight, dip the arrows too for the back lines to strike. Catapult heads, arms, legs, whatever basically over the walls at them, if we need to. Each community was prepared with a ton of TNT, grenades, and such. Hilltop double-lined their walls. Alexandria put more spiked cars around the fences. The guards and lookouts were now more, 24/7, armed to the teeth and with air horns in hand if they needed to alert us. Combining our forces was beneficial for all of us and it was truly impressive how quickly people seemed to forget what our past relations were. But, I guess, when given the opportunity to be united against a mutual enemy, you have to make the most of it. Albeit the looming threat, people were happy. Happier than ever actually, all of them, from all communities. Things were changing. Expanding. Blooming. I also heard Simon was back at his place beside the leader, after that short-lived fallout. Beside him. This made me wonder if somehow his priorities shifted again or maybe there was no other option.

Whatever was happening, none of it really deeply mattered. It was irrelevant to me. Because miraculously amidst all of the chaos and order around, I somehow managed to become numb. And the funny thing was that despite the numbness, a storm was raging in my mind and heart, one that managed to drown me out.

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A.N: Sooo...it's been a ride. Well, at least for me writing this (been editing and rewriting parts, I can't seem to get my mind straight about some things). I hope y'all liked it. Don't hesitate to tell me what you think and if you think it truly deserves a second part. Also, huge thanks to each one of you, who stuck around till the end and voted and such. Means a lot. Truly!

xoxo,
cherriesandpoison