Chicago Love ✔️

Chapter 20: "I can't do this..."

Hailey keeps her eyes focused on the ground as she walks the full distance of the motorcoach kitchen / living room area away from Alex, knowing any closeness between them would result in her changing her tone.

She couldn't do this. They had already done once, and that was over the line the more she thought about it. She never hooked up with anybody quickly. She never hooked up with anybody the first time she saw them. Why did she do that with him? Why did she hook up with Alex of all people?

Furthermore, it just continued to spell more trouble in her mind. They both had their own separate lives. They both were busy in their own separate cities, let alone states. It wasn't like they could see each other often. This was the second time they'd been standing face-to-face in a matter of six weeks. When would they be able to see each other next?

It wasn't like she could continually take time off work. She was always busy with the Intelligence Unit, and she liked her job. It wasn't like he could take time off of his job to come see her. He had places that he needed to be each week, and changing that schedule was not allowed.

"I've been through a long distance relationship," Hailey starts as she does not take her eyes off of him. She hated to be doing this. Everything in her being told her that she was doing the wrong thing. There was something special about him and she needed to go against her thoughts. "I went through Jay being away in Bolivia for a year. It was torture not being able to see him, talk to him, be with him when I needed him at times. Jay and I just got divorced a couple weeks before you and I ran into each other at Molly's. I am still dealing with the effects of that. It only gets worse seeing him every day at work. I need to come to grips with my own life before I could even think about this - and then again, a long distance relationship? I can't do this..." 

"I understand," Alex comments as he takes a deep breath, debating what to say in his mind. Normally, the words came easy for him to say to her. He always knew how to offer advice or comfort when she told him anything. But right now? He felt tongue tied as they stood there staring at each other in the middle of the night. "I would never force you into something that you did not want to do, Hailey. If you don't want to do this, then that's fine. I'll head to the bed, you take the couch and I'll see you in the morning. Then we can spend tomorrow at the track as friends and go our separate ways. If something happens later on, then that's great." 

"I want you to know that you are absolutely amazing. I want you to know that my feelings do not reflect anything on what has happened between us. I have absolutely adored every single moment with you. I do not have a single regret about anything, including that night for that matter." She takes a deep breath, knowing if she continued to talk about the reasons she had enjoyed what they had together, she would probably spill out the rest of her feelings. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she almost told him right there that she loved him. "Relationships aren't anything that I can begin to understand. I am probably the worst girlfriend that someone could have.  I don't know how to do a proper relationship. My parents fought all the time. I never got to understand or know what any type of love was - until I got with Adam for a little bit, and then Jay." 

"So you dated two of your partners, Adam and Jay?" Hailey slowly nods her head, not realizing that drop of knowledge had slipped out in the process. "I am surprised Hank still allows you to be apart of the team and didn't yell at you. I thought there was a zero tolerance policy for relationships in the unit. He must really like you and think you're doing a good job. I can tell you that I also am not the best at relationships. I lost my first girlfriend because I prioritized spending time in my shop playing with cars instead of spending time with her.  I then got with a girl who wanted to take advantage of me for who I was, and didn't realize until it was almost too late. It was actually a friend of mine who warned me multiple times and I didn't listen for months. So you're not the only one standing here saying that relationships don't work for you. Maybe that's why you and I connected so well." 

"I will admit - I haven't been able to be this honest with someone, ever..." Alex looks at her with a bit of surprise, as he knew that meant he was more important in her life than Jay was. It made him even more guilty to now replicate those feelings, and stay in this limbo mode due to a list of reasons that seemed like excuses.

"Hailey, I love every bit of our friendship. I cannot wait some days to read your text messages that it distracts me from meetings. That's probably why William rode your ass so hard." She then laughs a little as she leans back against the counter, feeling the tension that was in the air from the initial attempt at a kiss disappearing.

"I'm glad your teammates care so much about you, though. I am glad that they are willing to put the girl in your life to the test to see if she's the right person for you. William almost felt like the protective big brother, with Kyle as the crazy cousin. You should come to Chicago. I'm pretty sure you'd get the same treatment from Kim, Adam, and probably Jay..." 

"Maybe I'll have to take you up on that offer...."