Chicago Love ✔️

Chapter 41: Morning Musings

Hailey makes her way out to the kitchen, smiling as she hears the coffee pot go off. She pours herself a cup, placing a empty cup alongside the pot in knowing Alex would be pouring himself one as soon as he made his way out of the bedsroom.

She then leans against the counter facing it, letting out a sigh as she lets her mind go down that wandering path once again. She couldn't help but think back to last night. It had been amazing, simply put. Alex was perfect in how he took care of her, and there was never a complaint in hearing that man moan her name. However, she knew there was one moment it could have unraveled very quickly in knowing where her mind had gone.

She knew the thought that crossed her mind following one of his comments. She knew the familiar fears that crept in once again. She was no relationship expert. She did not know how things were supposed to work. She was continually trying her best, but always wondered if she was doing the wrong thing. What if she did the wrong thing and scared him off? There were certain things she was trying to watch out for, but yet what if those slipped? 

She didn't want to mess this up. She didn't want to lose Alex because of her own fears. She didn't want to lose Alex because of thinking what happened to her father and mother, in knowing what they had shown her as a young girl. She had almost done that with Jay, to where he caught it and they talked their way through. What if that wasn't the case here? 

"I can tell something is on your mind," she hears whispered in her ear, followed by a pair of arms wrapped around her waist as a head lands on her shoulder. She was so loss in thought that she had not heard him get up, or come out of the bedsroom. She should have heard him considering there were four paws following closely behind. "It sucked waking up without you beside me. I was looking forward to seeing your pretty face. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

"You don't have to worry," she assures him, now feeling bad that she had not stayed in bed for those extra minutes. She thought she was doing something right in letting him sleep peacefully while she battled these thoughts. She was trying to make the morning easier in the process with brewing the coffee before he got up. Now it seemed like she had gone and done the wrong thing. What if that continued? What if it became a bigger issue? What if they started fighting because of it? "I couldn't sleep so I figured I'd get up and get the morning started. Get my shower and make the coffee so it was ready for you. I'm sorry you didn't get your perfect wake-up call that you were expecting. That was not my intention. I just...needed....a moment..." 

"You can tell me what is on your min-"

"You should be focusing on your race today. You should be focusing on getting ready and doing what you need to do. This is just a distraction. I don't want to be the reason you have a shitty day." Alex then rubs her shoulders once again, understanding how she wanted to be the perfect girlfriend when she was with him on the weekend. However, there had to be a balance in taking care of each other, and he wanted to ensure she understood that.

"This conversation won't be the reason for a bad day on-track for me. I can be here for you, and still do what I need to do later on today." He then places a light kiss on her cheek in hopes of emphasizing the point. "So please don't shut me out. If something is on your mind, let me be there for you. Tell me the details..." 

"I told you that I was fine, Alex. There's nothing to worry about. Like I said, I just needed a moment..." She bit her tongue as she was scared to share the feelings. She had only shared them once before, and that was with Jay. It almost scared him off. What if that happened here? She enjoyed the comfort and conversation they shared. She enjoyed their special moments together. Was she willing to risk losing that? 

"If it deals with what happened to you, you can tell me. It may help you be able to move forward. They always say that you should talk about your feelings and get it out. Is that what's on your mind? Or is it something else? And if you want me to shut up, please tell me that, too." She then couldn't help but chuckle at that comment as she turned around to face him. He was now making her feel bad for not saying anything. How was that fair, either? "I just want to be here for you. I love you so much and I love what we have so much. I jus-"

"You are absolutely amazing, okay? Never discredit yourself, okay? I love you so much. I appreciate everything you're doing here.." She then takes her own deep breath as she debates how to say this. "Relationships aren't easy for me. I grew up watching my mother and father fight, bicker, everything go wrong. The words I love you scared me for the longest time. It was a trigger, and I would flinch upon hearing them. Jay told me them one morning, and I made an excuse that I had to take the car to the repair shop just to get out of there. I didn't want to cry or flinch in front of him. When I was younger, I love you and I'm sorry came after a slap, or a punch. It was then followed by another one or an argument later. My father abused my mother. It's that simple. So certain things are triggers for me. For you and I, I haven't felt any of those and it's been smooth cruising, absolutely amazing - maybe it's because of how comforting and sweet you are. Last night, though, one of those thoughts came across my mind as you were trying to be there for me and help me. I've always been afraid of opening up and making myself vulnerable in fear that I would make myself suspectable to being hurt. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to go through what I watched my mother go through. I know you would never do that to me, but being vulnerable triggers that thought sometimes. So this morning, when I say I needed a moment, it was to remind myself that what my brain is saying won't happen. I needed a moment to put that back in the box where it belonged, in the past, and focus forward with you." 

"Hailey...." What else was there left to say after hearing that confession from her? He didn't know how to react. Does he comfort her? Does he ask for more details? Does he help her try and move forward by talking more? Does he allow her to close the box, and move forward as if this didn't happen? 

"My marriage to Jay was my first real relationship to where I learned opening up and sharing with someone is okay and that it won't always end in how things went for my mother and father. Of course, going through the separation with him and the divorce brought some of those triggers back - and maybe that's why I am back at this point in not knowing whether I am doing the right thing." Alex wanted her to believe she was doing the right thing. He didn't want this confession to happen and no more conversation to happen moving forward. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or wrong in saying this. But how do you convince someone of that?

"I haven't been the best at my past relationships, either. I had a girl break up with me because she told me that I didn't focus enough on her, and instead cared more about my toys than her." She looks at him with a bit of surprise, chuckling at the oddness drop of his confession. They hadn't talked about his past relationships ever. 

"I can tell you right now that she was very wrong in that confession. From the tenderness that you showed me last night, to always responding to my text messages and let me rant on when I need to after a bad day at work or when I need an escape, you've shown that you care. Your patience this morning in being here, hearing me out, letting me stumble on my words to a crappy confession shows that you care. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your heart isn't big." Alex couldn't help but smile back in return as she leans in for a kiss. "That's why I'm comfortable with you in saying that I love you.."