I'm so fucking lonely holy shit. Obviously I have my friends and family but like romance wise. Omg. I go through cycles of not caring and then suddenly it pissing me off. Right now. Holy fuck. I don't think it has EVER gotten to me like this. In 21 in 16 days and have never had my first kiss. (I literally just broke down typing that what the fuck is wrong with me). I never experienced teen romance and never will. They always say that a man's first love is and will always be his greatest and truest love and the thought that I won't be that for anyone absolutely destroys me. This feels so immature. Like. In every other way I am 21. But in this sense, my brain is still 15. Idk man. Holy shit. And there's not end in sight. I see myself in one year in the same spot. I know that this is a self fulfilling prophesy but u can't help it. And if I were to try and picture a future with someone my self hatred would get in the way and tell myself that I don't deserve anyone. Omg. I fucking hate myself so much why am I like this. And the later on it gets and the older I get without any of this experience, they harder and harder it will be to start. Like how some people don't know how to be alone, I don't know how to be with someone. Not like I've ever gotten the opportunity. Good night I want to fucking kill myself. Here's to a new age without having had a first kiss.
