A Poets Diary

My Unfamiliar Reflection

TW: Talk of Eating disorders and Self Harm (Kind of)

It may be easy to see

I don't look like the girls that are constantly told they are pretty

Or like a girl you'd see on the cover of a magazine.

When I was little, kids my age would make fun of me

Every name that you could use to describe a bigger person thrown at me

"Fat"

"Chubby"

"Obese"

Boys made fun of me too, telling me they liked me as a joke

I wouldn't think this way until they told me because,

Why wouldn't they actually like me?

I'm a nice girl,

I'm smart,

I knew how to color in the lines!

Why..

Wouldn't they like me?

My family told me I'd grow into myself

That to me meant I'd be pretty when I grew

But what was wrong with me now?

As I got older and became a teen

I stopped eating

Realizing that would decrease my size.

I wanted to be skinny

I wanted to look like the girls that made fun of me

So they had nothing to make fun of

I wanted to look like my friends.

Brushing my teeth became less hygienic,

Id stick my toothbrush down too far

Wanting it to hit my throat

Forcing myself to remove all traces of food from my body.

I needed to be skinny

I stuffed myself into clothes I knew were too small

Praying they'd force my body to shrink.

When I came out as Bi

People said that it was because I was fat

Since I couldn't find a boyfriend I "Thought" I was gay

It didn't matter who I loved because at that point I knew anyone could hurt me

When I was finally allowed to wear makeup

I covered my face with as much as possible

Thinking if my face were prettier they'd disregard my body.

The people I wanted attention from would like me for my personality

The girls I wanted to be friends with would ask me for makeup tips

They'd see me as a person and not something for them to make fun of.

The mirror starred at me

My reflection became unrecognizable

I hacked away at myself until I felt like a new person

But I still wasn't skinny

After hundreds of skipped meals, forcing myself to be sick, crying every day wishing I were smaller.

Now I'm 15 and I realized I didn't need to be like those girls,

I didn't need to search for anyone's validation

I didn't need anyone

I found people that made me happy to be me

My friends who compliment me any chance that they get

And my girlfriend, who tells me that I'm pretty, with makeup and without

Who reminds me that I don't need to be skinny to be happy or find love

And who reminds me that the only opinion and kindness that should matter to me is mine.