The rest of Christmas goes pretty smoothly. Price and Soap ended up leaving before dinner while Cal and his family stayed. After dinner, they had plans with Kristy's side of the family. They understood Cal wanted to give Mum both Christmas Eve and Day due to how much she's been struggling lately. I can tell she's a lot better now knowing that I'm here, that I'll be with her at least through the new year.
It'll be good for Simon and I too. Mum will stubbornly take care of us while we're here—something that I think she needs. I haven't told her or Cal about my promotion and haven't had the heart yet to tell them that I'll go back once I'm better. It's something that I know Cal wants to talk about and a story that I'll be working on until new years. There's not any right word that I can give them, or a right way to break it to them. For now, though, Simon and I just go to our PT appointments in town. Thankfully there is someone in our small town so we don't have to drive to Manchester very few days. Saves us money and Mum the trouble. She wants to be involved with it all but it's a tricky place to be.
She can't come, since she'd just tear up watching it all. She can't stay home alone right now either, yet I don't want to drive all by myself anywhere right now. As if my old life out here is making me miss being on a base more and more. Simon's noticed too. I think that I'm more jittery than he is sometimes. More nightmares have sprung up too, less about Shepherd at least. Yet I can't ever place what it is that's haunting me. Simon will soothe me and it makes me mad that I haven't been able to help him like he's been helping me. Makes me think he has it all figured out without me.
New Years Eve came before I realized and that means that I have to tell Cal and Mum. I know I want to start working harder in January to hopefully be in a better place by February. Simon and I are antsy to get back—maybe me more so than him. I want Makarov in his place, to be dealt with so that I could find my place in a more civilian setting. Something I've been working for but still feels so out of reach.
"Gary?" Simon shakes me a little. "You gonna sleep the night away?"
"Hm...? What time is it?"
"Nearly three. Was your plan to sleep all day?"
"Three? You..." I sit up and stretch a little. "You've been up all day?"
"Since your Mum got up at seven. She has a good schedule."
"We went to bed late though."
"If you call eleven late, then I'd have to say you're getting old, mate."
"I didn't sleep well."
"Even next to me? I thought we had a good night."
"Maybe..."
Simon leans close to me, his cold hands wrapping around my stomach. A shiver goes through me as he leans close and kisses my cheek. "Maybe? Maybe I can make your afternoon better. Heard word that the Captains wanted to come over. Price said he'd bring his family."
"Not too interested in all that..." I lean into Simon more as his hands warm up, soon pulling him to lay on top of me. "What if I just wanted to stay with you the rest of the day?"
"Then what would you tell your Mum? Thought you were working on letting her know our plans."
"Was..."
"And now?"
"I think I lost some courage."
"Seems you need to find it again, Gary."
"Yeah... seems so..."
Simon smiles at me, soon planting a light kiss on my lips. "Come on, maybe you'll find your courage after you eat something." He moves to pull me back up, getting a small chuckle from me.
The small encouragement gives me enough strength to get changed. I let Simon help me here or there though, just wanting this to last longer than it needs to. When we go downstairs, Soap is lightly talking with Mum. I have no idea what he would be sharing or that he was here already. When Mum notices me, Soap goes quiet and he follows her gaze. "Roach!" Soap happily calls. "Was gettin worried I wouldn't see you till the morning."
"That's what Simon said. Didn't think I'd be so popular today."
"That so? Well why don't you join us."
I give a nod as Ghost kisses my cheek. He mentions that he'll bring me some food as well. I take a seat across from Soap but close to Mum's chair. She watches me carefully, as if Soap mentioned something he shouldn't of.
"G-Gary...?" Mum questions. "Wh... What w-will yo-you do wh-when y-you're be-better?"
"Not sure yet, Mum... I... don't want to talk about this now though."
She only offers a stern look, wanting to know now. Maybe Soap did say something to her. Something that I might of waited too long to say. Simon saves me, for now, as he comes out with something for me to eat. I stay quiet while I eat, my tactics changing as Simon starts to chat with Soap. It almost feels like old times, except for Mum. Her gaze stays on me, staring as she keeps watching me. Maybe expecting something different from what she could of heard from Soap. What did he tell her? Is she worried again that I'll run off. That my decision won't be right? Its eating at me, making me wish I just ruined Christmas instead of the New Year.
A knock, my second savior, comes from the door as I put my plate on the table. Simon offers to get it, letting Cal and Kristy come in. The girls rush in and give Mum all sorts of hugs. They're just as excited to see her as she is. Yet her look never strays too far from me. Whatever was said is eating at her, I can tell. She's determined for her answer, in her own way. Cal catches me as I start to get up.
"Gary. We need to talk. You, me, and Mum need to talk in the kitchen. You owe us an explanation."
I can only offer a small nod in response. He helps Mum up and follows me into the kitchen. I clean my dish then turn to them as they sit at the table. It feels familiar. As if my careful wording won't save me from their objection. They nearly lost me once, so is it so selfish of me to ask them to let me go again? I can't form any words until Mum gives a small motion. Her way of asking for me to explain. Her hands then delicately rest on her lap as I continue to hesitate.
"Mum... Cal... I... need to tell you..." my voice trails. Why is this the hardest thing I've had to say to them? Why am I more scared now than when I told them I was enlisting. A small sigh escapes me. Waiting won't do me any good. "I'm..."
YOU ARE READING
Roach
Fanfiction"I promise I'll come back in once piece." After the death of his father, Gary "Roach" Sanderson thought that he should join the military just like his dad. He never really gave it much thought and as a seven year old, it never meant much to him. As...
