Somewhere Only We Go

Chapter 5

Avinash

When I thought about inviting Kabir to my apartment again different scenarios played in my mind, but never in one of those ideas there was my mother in the picture. Sure I used my mother's self invitation to have dinner with me tonight as just another situation created that I used for my advantage, dad should be proud, I know how to use things for personal benefit. The only little guilt I have is lying to Kabir about it, he thinks he was needed here to give the picture of a happy couple so that our relationship looks more convincing to them. The truth is my parents won't even notice the little gaps in a half-cooked story if we tell one, partially because they will try to avoid the word 'my boyfriend' and partially because like every single party since that fateful night, it will still be about Ishaan, the perfect son they lost too soon.

I know if someday they woke up in a fantasy world my parents would find a way to make a deal with death, and exchange Ishan for me without blinking an eye. And on some days I believe it too. If my parents were going to lose one son, it should have been me. Sometimes I think about what life would have been like if Ishan was still alive. Mom would have been still obsessed with him but in a completely different way, dad maybe not so much but whatever little compassion he could have shown for his kids, it would have been for Ishan. I didn't mind living in his shadow, because he was still here, he was the kind of a person who knew how to work for a crowd, grab attention, and have people fall in love with him and adore him because that put me in a perfect position where I didn't have to worry about being seen. Not that my parents see me even now but it's just different. That was my choice, now it's the only option I have.

My mother is engrossed in her phone but for the first time, I don't mind because that keeps her distracted enough and I can caress Kabir's thighs, who is sitting right next to me occasionally glaring and demanding that I stop. I am pretty sure he is as hard as I am right now, and the only reason I haven't touched him for confirmation is because my man couldn't keep quiet even if his life depended on it. And even for all the indifference mom can show, she won't be that indifferent to the idea of his son pounding in another guy's ass much less when the guy in question now has a face.

If it was anyone else I might have fucked with my parents' mind a little just to make them uncomfortable but using Kabir for any dirty tricks makes me uneasy. My phone lights up with an incoming message.

Kabir: Would you stop?

I couldn't stop the smile that plastered on my face.

Me: Stop what?

Kabir: Really?

Kabir: Your mother is sitting at the other end of the table.

That kills the smile and I lose whatever appetite I had left. I get up pushing the chair away. "I am done. Do you need something else Mom?"

She looks up confused as if suddenly remembers where she is. "Oh no, I am fine. I'll leave early in the morning, so I guess I'll see you in Goa next week."

"Us." I clench both my fists tightly to keep my anger in check. He doesn't need to see this, he doesn't need to see this.

"What?" She looks at me as if we are the only two people here. Kabir's hand freezes midway and he slowly puts the spoon down.

"Us Mom, you will see me and my boyfriend." To make my point I put my hand on his shoulder and my mother looked at him.

"Yeah, I just wasn't quite sure if you were serious about the whole plus one thing." You will scare him away, it isn't worth it.

"Mom if you reduce my partner's importance to a thing again, we won't be coming to Goa, good luck with all the explaining you will have to do about that." I put extra emphasis on the word we to make myself clear. For a lot of people, it might be nothing, but I knew exactly what my mother was going for. And I might have dragged Kabir into my family drama but I won't let any of them make him feel any less.

I pull him a little entwining his fingers in mine, he gets up still confused about whatever happened but doesn't say anything. I grab his plate which still has food in it and get to my room.

Before he could say anything or ask questions, I put the plate on the side table. "Finish your food." And then I bolt for the bathroom, slamming the door behind me before I unclench my fist and slam it in the mirror.

Kabir

I have dealt with a lot of hate as a gay man. And I was sure nothing could be worse than that. But I was wrong. Sure, hating someone for who they are sucks but that still comes from a position of care even though misplaced, and sometimes unwarranted. But the way Avi's mother behaved was so much worse. She made me feel so little and I haven't been in her company for more than an hour. Is this what Avi has dealt with all his life? He has to be someone whose existence is barely acknowledged in his own family. A faint cracking noise gets me moving towards the bathroom.

"Avi" I tried the knob but of course, he locked it from inside.

I knocked twice. "Avi, are you okay in there?"

"I'll be out, in a bit Kabir, why don't you finish your dinner until then?" The way his voice sounds so calm and controlled gives me chills. If I didn't witness whatever happened I wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong. But I am pretty sure the noise I heard was glass breaking. I want to help him, comfort him but I don't know how to, not until I get him to open the door and let me in.

"I don't talk to my papa." I turn around and slide down the door, bringing my knees closer to my shoulder, and rest my head on the door. There is silence for a few moments and then I hear the faint noise of his slippers getting a little louder, the only indication that he is right behind the door and listening. So I continue.

"When I came out to my parents, my mother cried and my father was angry. There was a lot of shouting, we fought, and in the end, he gave me two options, either I marry a woman or leave the house for good. And so I did. That was the last time I saw him or talked to him. Mum was on his side but she still has some love and worry left for her son so we talk occasionally. But that's about it."

My eyes blur and I blink, clearing them away when the door unlocks and I stand up and turn around. Before I can ask anything or get a proper look at him, Avi wraps his arm around me pulling me in. His face sinks in between my neck and shoulder and I wrap my arm around his waist. "I am sorry you had to go through that." He whispers.