Somewhere Only We Go

Chapter 10

Kabir

When I open my eyes to the roof I am slowly getting accustomed to waking up to, Avi is still asleep, his head on my chest and the towel is now sandwiched somewhere between our bodies. I place my hand on his forehead to check if he still has a fever. The medical kit didn't have a thermometer in it. His body is still a little hot, not like last night but I think he still needs antibiotics. We're supposed to leave for Goa today but I am not sure if he should travel like this. I don't even know what happened yesterday but it was more than fever. Those pills are for panic attacks, one that knocks out a person for a good 7 hrs at least and he took two. I don't think these are available in India. Avi stirs and our eyes meet. Right now he doesn't look like the confident editor behind a successful publishing house, in my arms with his sleepy eyes he looks like the lonely man who had a panic attack and had no one to call to. No one to take his mind off things, no one to hold his hand and tell him he is going to be fine. I may not have close friends but I know on nights when the walls feel like they are closing in I can always call friends and hang out with them, and most of the time that helps.

I thought Avi would put distance between us the minute he wakes up but he just closes his eyes and doesn't move at all.

'When did you get here?" He asks like me in his bed is the most normal thing in the world and I was just late at night and fell asleep.

"Last night. How are you feeling?"

"I am fine, much better." I have had it with his pretense.

"You are not fine. You still have a fever, the medical kit is full of medicines for anxiety, panic attacks, and bandages for when you slice your skin open. One of the tablet strips has two fewer pills in it so I am not sure if you had two of them yesterday or just one." Now that I have started talking I realized how worried I was last night. "I didn't even know what else you have taken, you were burning like a furnace, I don't know how long you were lying in the room no one to look-"

The rest of the words die in my mouth when Avi hugs me tightly burying his face in the crook of my neck and his voice is muffled but he says, "I am fine now."

My arm wraps around him, and I take a deep breath inhaling his scent. "Why didn't you call me Avi? You could have called me, even if I don't know what happened in your life, you don't have to go through it alone. There are no conditions here, baby, just let me be by your side, please."

We stay like that for a few more minutes until Avi remembers what day it is today. I don't think he should be flying when he is sick but he is nothing if not stubborn. But I still get him to promise me that he is going to take proper medicines before we leave. After what happened last night I need him close to me more than anything, I need to feel him inside me but we are already running late, and if we are going to squeeze in his doctor's visit in between no time for sex. I am just slightly disappointed.

Avi goes to take a shower while I make a quick coffee run. I also get him donuts because he must be starving. I also get a thermometer. The whole time I record his temperature he sits like a sulking baby and I want to kiss him so bad but nope can't do it. He still hasn't said anything about whatever pushed him over the edge yesterday and I want to know but I don't want to push him too hard. Besides I have him for the next 9 days, so there is plenty of time. Since I was supposed to meet him at the airport, my luggage was at my place, so after coffee, I decided to take a cab back home when he stopped me. And when I say stop me, I mean grab me by my t-shirt and press me in the wall caging me between his strong arms.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Home, I still need to get my stuff."

"We can leave 30 mins early and get it on the way."

"But I-" I stop midway because his hand is shaking.

"Avi?"

"Hmm."

"Hey look at me," I say softly. "I'm not leaving."

He nods. I pull him towards me and he looks so deflated that he feels like pulling a big of cotton. He buries his face on my shoulder.

"I am sorry, I don't know why this happening now. I can usually contain it after the meds and sleep."

"Hey don't be sorry, you shouldn't contain it. You are allowed to have these moments Avi."

"Hmm. Why don't you shower and then we can get ready and leave? I called my doctor and he is ready to see me at his home before the flight."

"Umm, I didn't bring any clothes to change."

"Wear mine."

My cheeks instantly go red. "Okay."

"I like to make you blush." He kisses me then turns around and leaves, leaving me with the biggest smile on my face.

A few hours later sitting in business class on one of the most expensive flights I am convinced life can't be better than this until Avi falls asleep on my shoulder. The seats are so comfortable and cozy that it feels like they are custom-made for couples. I am not complaining. I spend my time watching Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. The movie is almost done when I close the window and realize Avi is awake.

"How long have you been watching the movie?"

"Since that tomato festival scene. Shouldn't you be watching that cult classic Goa movie, I don't remember its name."

"You mean Dil Chahta Hai?"

"Uh Huh maybe. I don't know the name."

I gasp. And he rolls his eyes. "You don't have to be so dramatic."

"I can't believe you haven't watched Dil Chahta Hai. What else have you not watched? Kuch Kuch Hota Hai?" Avi presses his lips together.

"No fucking way."

"Okay, now you are definitely being dramatic."

"So you don't like watching movies?" I can't keep the sadness from my tone. I love movies and having a partner to watch stuff with is important to me. Until now I didn't think it was something I would have to consider adjusting to.

"It's not that I don't like movies, I mean...I just...It was difficult watching actors on screen after Ishan. A few times I tried getting my parents, especially my mom to watch something with me, I thought it would be easier to do it with someone else but she was not interested. And watching alone was too much. As a kid I wasn't much into movies, it was more of Ishan's thing. And once he was gone, on-screen cinema was like his ghost haunting me."