Somewhere Only We Go

Chapter 7

Avinash

When a memory haunts you to the extent that you can't get rid of it even when you sleep, you know you are living in a hell you created for yourself, like an Airbnb guest who checked in and now refuses to leave. After a point you get tired and give up, accepting that a part of the residence is now gone, occupied by an unwanted guest, and in a few days you get used to it too. So you never ask for help to get rid of him. He starts to feel like a friend that cures your loneliness. Ishan's voice from our last phone call is my hell. It all started a few months after his accident when I kept thinking what if I would have asked him to come home, I was freaking out and I needed someone by my side, I needed my brother and I know as a matter of fact that if I would have asked him to come back, he would have left the party early. He might have been home at the time that is typed on his death certificate.

Ishan would be alive, my mom wouldn't be hurting so much, dad would have been home some times, maybe things wouldn't change for him much but I know even he was done with mom's obsession over Ishan's legacy and keeping it alive. I could have saved everyone if I would have asked him to come home. Maybe we could have been a normal family, a family that genuinely liked spending time with each other. Now I am supposed to spend a week with them in Goa pretending to be their perfect son. At least I am going to have Kabir by my side.

The smile that crosses my lips fades immediately when I remember it's fake and temporary because, at the end of next week, even he will leave. This relationship already has an expiry date. Still, nothing about tonight was fake. The way he gave me a piece of himself to help me calm down, I had a sudden urge to protect him and hide him from everyone who had ever hurt him. People like Kabir are rare, it's so much easier to give into the temptation of being bad and wrong the world the way they have wronged you but to put on a smile and be kind and compassionate even when you have suffered, that's real brave and not a lot of people can do that.

I knew I was attracted to him, he is sexy in his way especially with his clothes off, underneath me moaning and chanting my name, the way he says Avi while his nails dig in my back, it is addictive. But tonight felt more than just sexual. The way he was eating his food in the adorable way where he was zoning out sometimes. I don't think he knows but he starts pouting when he is zoned out. And I wanted to kiss him so bad if only my mom wasn't there.

Reminding myself that all of this is fake is going to be harder than I thought. Maybe if it was something purely sexual I would have forgotten it after a while, but now I am not so sure. Kabir is asleep, his head on my chest and his hand around my waist. He passed out the minute we hit the bed, but I can't sleep, at least not anymore. Any interaction with my parents brings the nightmares back, Goa is going to be hard to handle. I also don't want to show that monster side of mine to Kabir, tonight was a slip-up.

Even though the bruises on my knuckles always bring me back to reality, Kabir is someone who should have never seen it. I don't want him to be scared of me. At least I locked the door so he didn't see it. But he saw the blood, he cleaned it with his own hands, and kissed the open skin that was going to scar again. God, I am so tired of using concealer on my hand. But it's either that or showing everyone what a pathetic man I am behind that cold exterior. My employees being scared of me is better than them pitying me.

Why bother worrying so much about a fake relationship Avi? No, no, no, no, not again. Stop.

You're pathetic. Still want our parents' approval. But mum would never love you the way she loved me, or should I say still loves me. I am better than you even if I am dead.

You are not real, you are not real.

And whose fault is that, Avi?

"How was I supposed to know?" I whisper.

Why didn't you call me Avi, why didn't you ask me to come back? You needed me, so why didn't you say so? You could have saved me, Avi.

"I know, I know, I know, please stop, please." But the voices inside my head grew louder.

Why didn't you save me, Avi?

You should have died, not me, I was always better than you.

My body is paralyzed and I can't move. I try but it feels like someone has chained me to the bed, my hand gripping tightly for support. I shut my eyes. "You are not real, you are not real, not real, not real, not real, not.."

Someone is shaking me. And then I hear his soft voice. "Avi, hey."

I open my eyes and suddenly it's silent again. He is gone.

"Who is gone?" Kabir is looking at me with a worried expression. I don't know what to tell him. But I don't have to worry about it because the very next second his lips are on mine and he kisses me. It's soft and slow and I relax as his tongue plays with mine. He breaks the kiss and then presses his lips to my forehead and eyelids. "It's okay, I got you baby."

He shifts a little, now his back on the sheet and I wrap my arm around his waist, pressing my face between his neck and shoulder. His one hand wrapped in my hair and the other around my back. Engulfed in his smell and wrapped up in his arms, I finally fell asleep. This time my nightmares don't haunt me.

[Thank you for all your messages on the last chapter. It helped me in ways I can't explain. I hope you like this new chapter, don't worry there are going to be more happy chapters in the future, I promise. I hate making them suffer too. If you want to check the playlist for Avinash and Kabir, I have added the Spotify link to the conversation part on my profile.

I have another story that came before Somewhere only We Go. I started re-writing and updating the chapters for that story as well, it is called STAY WITH ME, FOR NOW. You can check it out if you want, and yes it is another Indian BL.]