Somewhere Only We Go

Chapter 20

Avinash

The first time I tried drowning myself was when I was 14. I filled the bathtub and then sat in it sinking lower and lower until I was underwater. When my lungs started to give in I didn't try getting up, I lay back hoping the bubbles would stop soon and it would all be over. That was the day I had the first real realization I was into boys. That was the first time I was truly scared of what my father would think of me. I didn't succeed, because my brother came into my room and was knocking at the bathroom door. I stood up and told him I'd be out in 5 minutes. I gathered myself enough to not look like someone who just tried killing himself. I don't know if he saw something was wrong or not, there were so many things I couldn't figure out about my brother, he was famous, talented, happy, and relevant. I knew he loved me, I knew he would stand by me for a lot of things but would he be okay with a brother who could have a crush on one of his male friends? I wanted to ask him, seek his help but I couldn't. He wouldn't understand, or at least that was what I told him.

Ishan was the exact opposite of who I was or who I am. He loved the attention; I loved staying in the shadows. He was the favorite in the family, I was just there, existing. But I know I loved my brother, and he loved me. Sometimes I thought about our last phone call and smiled thinking I told him the truth, he knew the real me before he died. Did it matter to him? I'll never find out.

Sometimes I hate my parents more for they were the reason we drifted apart. When Ishan got selected for his show, his life changed completely, mum took the gears in his hand, and Ishan dropped out of school and had a private tutor. I was angry with Ishan for leaving me alone at our school. That was the first thread between us mercilessly cut by my mum. Later I realized he wanted to finish school, the longing looks he gave me when I was in my uniform at the table for breakfast. Dad wasn't happy with him dropping out but he knew better than to say anything to Mom. One year later when he was one of the biggest teen stars of the nation Dad forgot all about missing education.

Sometimes I wished he hadn't knocked on my door that day. He didn't save me, almost 4 years later he swapped places with me as if mocking me with his death. Ishan was the one who was supposed to live, I was supposed to die. If that had been the case, we would have been standing here, Mom wouldn't be crying and even Dad wouldn't look somber.

Every function in our house has one event that's dedicated to Ishan. This time it's a brunch where mom got all his favorite food cooked. Everyone is in something blue because blue is his favorite color. If I die today, my parents won't even realize it for a week if no one informs them.

We are on the stairs Kabir right beside me as he carefully watches each photo frame. He frowns looking at each one of them and I want to ask what's wrong but my eyes are stuck on the man who is waiting for me downstairs. Fuck, if Dad makes any fuss about Kabir, I won't be able to control myself. I have zero tolerance when it comes to my boyfriend. Maybe Kabir would be the final nail in the coffin and I'll cut ties with my parents for good. Because I am not choosing anyone over him. He is already my priority.

"Baby I'll be downstairs. Will you be fine here?"

He nodded looking back and forth at the pictures but I could feel my father's eyes on me. I quickly press my lips to his temples before I make my way down. Thankfully a staff passed with wine glasses and I took one, remembering the last time I was around my father, I had a panic attack. I couldn't do this sober.

"Dad." I nod at him.

"I didn't realize you were serious." There it is, the disgust. I take a long sip from the glass in my hand.

"I don't know what gave you the idea that I was joking."

My father glares at me but there isn't much he can say when we have a reputation to maintain. Huh, sometimes the superficial things save us too.