Somewhere Only We Go

Chapter 32

Avinash

"I want to click your pictures." He was joking. I knew he was. It wasn't funny but there is no way he would say something like that. I know he said something about clicking my pictures to put on IG and I was considering that, but this, no way.

"No." I pull my hands out of his. His face fell so I added, "I am sorry." Then I stood up and left him kneeling on the floor. I went into our bedroom my hands shaking and gripped the knob tightly but still couldn't bring myself to close the door. Closing it felt like putting a barrier between us, something Kabir rightly pointed out. Maybe I could explain things to him. This was Kabir, he would understand. He would never force me to do something I didn't want to do.

I left the door unlocked and sat on the edge of the bed gripping the sheets tightly. Baby steps, I still don't know how to reach out to him but if he comes to me asking me questions I won't hide.

What was he thinking? He thinks highly of me based on one candid shot that got hit on Instagram. The door opened a few seconds later and I felt the mattress compress before I felt his pinky finger over mine.

"You were right." I began talking before he could ask anything. "I kept pretending that I didn't care about my mom burning my stuff up. But even if I didn't know why she did it deep down I knew I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Although it didn't help much for a while it gave me the satisfaction of knowing that there is some part of me that considered me to be worthy of anyone's kindness and love. But then Chachu moved out with his family taking away Rishabh and Disha. I didn't blame him, he was doing what was good for his kids, protecting them like any parent would but it still hurt. Suddenly we went from four kids in a house to just me. I knew if it was Ishan instead of me he would have convinced Chachu to not leave but then if he was alive my mother wouldn't have done what she did. Suddenly it started feeling like it was my fault, all of it as if I had killed my brother, I was the one who pushed my mother over the edge and I was the one breaking up our family."

"It was easier to convince myself of being the evil brother they thought I was than hoping things would get better. Hope is a big curse, Kabir. It leaves you with disappointment every single day. Giving up is easier, less painful."

Kabir squeezed my hand tightly the only sign that he was listening. Neither of us moved as if moving would take away whatever strength I had gathered. I was thankful he was just listening without asking questions or saying anything at all.

"I was never jealous of Ishan taking center stage around people. I didn't have any problem with being the brother in his shadow. I loved it. I had people I liked spending time with around me without the added burden of being likable or social. Ishan thrived in it. I on the other hand had my brother with me, and it was enough. And then as he started getting more popular with the TV show, my mother got obsessed with things being perfect around him. He dropped out of school. She got private tutors who would teach him so that he could just appear for exams. I think he missed going to school. But even he didn't want to disappoint our mother. He always looked at us longing when we used to leave for school after breakfast. That was just the beginning. Slowly his entire life was separated from us. I rarely saw him. It started driving a wedge between us. It's like we had some huge fight and didn't even know how to make up for it. I think he loved his career and he was okay with whatever the cost was. I was just one of the things that became the cost."

This was the first time I had talked about Ishan since he died. And as much as the words hurt, I realized I wanted to talk about him. I had been sad and hurt and then that grief turned into anger and in all of this I had started hating my brother. I shoved him in a box and locked it somewhere deep inside so that I would never see it. Rishabh and Disha are also careful and avoid mentioning my brother's name around me. Ishan's life was meant to be celebrated, not in the way my mother did, turning his memories into an ad. So what if he didn't choose me, he still cared about me enough. He was so supportive when I told him I was gay.

"Did she burn all of it?" Kabir asked.

"Most of it, the pictures that had Ishan in it with me were not in that pile. There was a lot of stuff from when I was a kid, like old clothes or school stuff."

"Where are those pictures?" his voice was so soft.

"I threw them away. I was so angry that I dumped all of those in the trash can and burned the two pictures I accidentally missed taking out."

"Oh, baby..."

Kabir

I got up from where I was sitting beside him and stood between his legs, my arms folded around his neck. He grabbed me with such force that I lost my balance for a second but then he pressed his face on my stomach wrapping his arms around my waist. And then he cried. He cried until his voice was hoarse and I held him through it all. My t-shirt was soaked with tears and he was hugging me tighter than comfortable but I couldn't care less.

When all his tears had dried up, he looked up directly into my eyes, his eyes were red and swollen, and I kissed him. I didn't have words because words would fall short so I poured all of it in the kiss. I kissed him slowly, taking my time, exploring every inch of his lips and mouth with my tongue. And then one by one our clothes came off and he was on the bed lying beneath me.

"You are so gorgeous, baby." He didn't reply just kept looking in my eye.

"Let me take care of you, I am going to kiss every inch of your body while you lie back and relax."

And so I did. There were things to be done questions to be asked, plans to be made but all of it was going to wait for another day. I found new spots to make him whine and groan in pleasure. I tasted every inch of his skin leaving a wet trail all over his body. And when my tongue was on his hole he moaned so loudly, his body arching forward, his fingers gripping the sheet tighter, it was enough to keep me going. I fucked his ass with my tongue and fingers and he kept chanting I love you as he chased his high.

This was the first time he had let go of his control in bed with me, proving how much he trusted me, he was showing me how he didn't mind being vulnerable around me and I'd sooner die than let this ever go to waste.

As I laid my head on his chest exhausted after the hour I spent on his body I promised myself to always love Avi, I'll always choose him over everything and everyone. I'll fight his battles for him if he lets me and I won't let anyone get away with wronging him the way they had.