Somewhere Only We Go

Chapter 28 (Part 1)

Kabir

The last I walked on these stairs was 5 years ago, with a suitcase in my hand, with no idea of when will be the next I'll be allowed or welcomed here. Since then various scenarios have played in my head but never in these 5 years, have I thought I'd come back here after losing one of my parents. I kept repeating the words don't cry in my head the whole time. I didn't want her to know how badly this was affecting me. But then how could it not? Avi grabbed my hand and squeezed it and I was thankful for his presence. The only reason I could gather the courage to come here was seeing him and how hard he was pushing himself to take care of me. If he could do all that, the least I can do is confront my demons. Because somewhere deep down I know I'll be fine because I am not alone. That even if tonight didn't go the way I want it to, I'll be alright.

As soon as we reached the fourth floor, I found myself in front of my childhood apartment; it still looked the same, just as I remembered. My heart was beating loudly in my chest and for a second I thought about turning around and leaving.

"If you want to leave at any point, just say the words and we will leave, Okay?"

I nod swallowing the lump in my throat. And then I ring the doorbell. It wasn't difficult for us to get inside the building since the security guard had been around a long time so he recognized me. So now that we are standing here, it feels like I am cornering my mother, not giving her the option.

"It's a little too late for her to get the choice, baby." Huh? How did he find out what I was thinking? He smiles a little. "You said it out loud." Before I could say anything else, I heard footsteps growing louder and I felt like I was going to throw up.

There is a click and the door opens and I come face to face with my mother after half a decade. Her expression goes from confused to sad to angry all in a matter of a second and I inch closer to Avi. This was a mistake. What the hell was I thinking, I was never good with confrontations, and this was a bad idea. Avi gently puts his hand on my back.

"You must be Kabir's mother. Hello Aunty, nice to meet you. I am Avi, Kabir's...uh...friend."

Why did he say friends? And then it hit me. He said that for me. He was allowing me to get away from this as smoothly as possible. With that one sentence, he assured me that he was okay with whatever made me comfortable. And I wanted to kiss him for that. But I didn't need it, I was not hiding my relationship from my parents um I mean my mother anymore.

"He is my boyfriend, Maa. Can we come in?"

She doesn't respond but turns around leaving the door open, so I guessed that to the invitation.

Five minutes later we were sitting in the drawing room, my mother was doing something in the kitchen and the house felt too silent for my comfort.

"Wanna see my room? That is if it's still there."

"Sure. Let's see what teen Kabir was like."

He stood up putting his hand in front of me and I took it.

"Ugh, he was the worst. On second thought, let's not." There is also a possibility there is no my room anymore.

We didn't have a luxurious house, it wasn't anything big, but it was home. As I stood in front of the door that was shut I was scared to open it.

"Hey it's okay if you don't want to check it, but just remember it doesn't matter anymore. I know it's easier to attach meanings to materialistic things but in the end, what matters is how the people around you treat you. They could build a shrine for you and it could still mean nothing."

He is right, of course he is. He knows about the pain of losing someone, he knows what abandonment feels like, and he has seen closely what grief does to a person.

"Thank you, baby."

I opened the door and what I saw swept the floor from underneath me. Before me was a room I didn't recognize because it wasn't mine anymore. It was like a room from those cheap ass lodges where people stay for a few days when they can't afford hotels. Is that what I was to my parents?

I could feel a lone tear making its way down my cheek. I clenched my fist tightly and turned around. My other is standing near the table in the drawing room with a tray in her hand. "Why didn't you tell me?"

My mother sighed and then kept the tray on the table. She stood up to her full height and then first looked at me and then at Avi.

"Uh, I'll wait outside," Avi said and started walking towards the door when I grabbed his hand and pulled him close.

"No, please don't leave." I can't do this without him. He was the one giving me strength. He nods. "Let's just all sit down."

But I am suddenly too worked up to sit down. "So maa tell me?"

"If you don't remember, your father wasn't fond of you in his last few years." She said sounding annoyed.

"So this was his last wish, his son shouldn't be allowed to give fire to his pyre?" When she said nothing I continued. "If not me, who did?"

She was looking anywhere but at me. "Maa who did?"

Avi kept a hand on my shoulder. That's when I realized my voice was rising.

"Did you need me here?" I asked.

She was still silent. Her silence was now piercing my heart worse. "So you hated me equally." All this time I thought she was just doing it for my father's sake. All those birthday messages were fake, they meant nothing, and I meant nothing.