"Everyday has been the same. I wake up, I look in the mirror and practice telling myself that I'm okay. Then I go downstairs and say the same thing to my dad and my sister. Then I go to school and tell my friends and teachers the same thing."
"Do you think they believe you?" Dr Ellman asked clicking his pen.
"Well they obviously don't. That's why I'm here, right?"
Ariel whispered before looking down at her hands, the baby pink nail polish was chipping away and she was glad to have an excuse to take it out. She hated the way the colour had looked on her.
Her sister, Sherri and their mother had both told her that it wouldn't look good and she hadn't listened.
Well excuse me for not wanting to be exactly like the two of you all the time. Ariel thought to herself. They had both chosen a fire engine red colour and Ariel had to admit, it had looked amazing on them.
Ariel didn't look Dr Ellman in the eye as she spoke to him, instead she looked at the bookshelves behind him. She had studied the arrangement of his collection of mostly psychology books the many times she had been in his office. She had once even joked about stealing one telling him he probably wouldn't even notice.
Day in and day out she would come over to his office and study the arrangements of the books. They never changed position. Or maybe they did and she had just never noticed. But Ariel had two theories,
1) Dr Ellman was very meticulous and put back his books in the exact same position whenever he would take one out or;
2) Dr Ellmannever even touched the many books on his shelves.
She had a theory that they were just there to accompany his framed certificates and to make him seem more intelligent. After all, he, himself - during their numerous sessions - had told her that people really just want to come off as more than they are.
Smarter, more beautiful, funnier...
We build facades because we want people to like what they see and be impressed.
Dr Ellmen gave Ariel a small smile.
She honestly couldn't tell if she humoured the man or maybe just irritated him.
"Why do you think you're here, Ariel?" He asked.
Ariel liked Dr Ellman, she really did. She thought he was a good therapist. But his method, which involved constantly giving her answers in the form of questions irritated the heck out of her.
Ariel sucked in a deep breath and shrugged. She used her nails to continue scratching off the ugly nail polish on her left hand.
"I started coming here because I didn't want to be the sad girl who lost her boyfriend anymore. The one who everyone pitied and looked at like a widow. I - I didn't want Jeff's death to be the one thing that defined me."
"Do you think our sessions helped with that?"
Ariel gave him a weak smile and nodded at the notepad in his hand, the one he took notes on. "Shouldn't you be the one to tell me, doc?"
He gave her another one of those indecipherable smiles. She begun to feel anxious, maybe she was irritating him. Well she couldn't blame him. She had stopped coming five months ago and now she was back again suddenly because her father had scheduled what he called 'just a little check up'. Like she was a car.
Maybe Dr Ellman had been planning a nice vacation with his family and her father had ruined it by calling him and booking this appointment.
Ariel made eye contact with Dr Ellman and realized that she had taken too long to respond.
"I think it did." She admitted. "I mean, I'm able to go to school and live with Jeff's ghost following me around. Heck, I even begun to like having his ghost around." She felt tears forming in her eyes and let out a forced laugh hoping Dr Ellman hadn't noticed.
Dr Ellman handed her a box of tissues and Ariel noticed he had taken her advice and stopped buying the scented ones which she told him tend to trigger people's allergies.
Ariel took one and wiped a pesky tear away.
"I'm sorry. That wasn't the point, was it? My parents aren't paying all this money so that I can be comfortable living with a ghost." She chuckled lightly.
"You don't need to apologize, Ariel. You didn't mention this 'ghost' in any of our last meetings."
Ariel shrugged. "I thought you would think I was crazy."
Ariel mentally face palmed herself. Maybe she shouldn't have said that. Dr Ellman jotted down something in his notebook and Ariel hoped it wasn't something that would make her father send her back here.
"He's not a real ghost, of course." Ariel quickly let out. "Sometimes I just like to think of Jeff when people point or whisper or when a teacher asks me if I'm okay for the millionth time in a day. I like to imagine what he would say."
"What would he say? The ghost of Jeff, I mean." Dr Ellman asked seeming genuinely curious.
"He would make a joke out of it," Ariel smiled to herself, "like 'geez Ariel, why is everyone so obsessed with you?'"
Ariel let out a quiet laugh hoping Dr Elman wouldn't think she was completely losing it.
"You think I'm crazy, don't you?" She asked, deciding to just come out with it.
"I think you're human. It's normal for people to think up versions of the people they've lost." Dr Ellman spoke.
Okay, so not crazy. Ariel immediately felt better.
"I - I don't see him anymore." She told Dr Ellman trying not to sound too sad because that was a good thing, right?
"Do you see that as a good step in your recovery?"
Ariel didn't want to tell Dr Ella. that she had once woken up screaming because she couldn't picture Jeff's face as accurately as she used to. Sherri had heard her and come rushing to her room. Fortunately, Ariel convinced her not to tell their parents.
Ariel sat forward.
"Dr Ellman I started coming here because I didn't want to be the sad girl who lost her boyfriend anymore. Now I'm here because of a different ghost. Her name is - was Hannah Baker."
Cover by i_am_insane01
