On Me (Matt Sturniolo)

2.

Haley William's voice echoed into my ears from my phone, her voice and music took me to places in my mind other than the actual place I wanted to be in right now.

I was at the hospital, ready to undergo my first round of chemotherapy.

I kind of knew what to expect as I was going through the next eight weeks of chemo, followed by eight weeks of radiation.

I met with Doctor Henry, who previously told me that going through treatment required strength, physically, emotionally and of course, mentally.

To stay strong, apparently it was important to have caregivers, both family and doctors, who see you as a whole person, rather than focusing on the disease itself....but I didn't listen.

I turned up to the hospital alone, and I didn't tell anyone about my first round of treatment today, not even Josh.

Surgery was a possibility according to Doctor Henry, but first, we had to try chemo and radiation to check if the tumour would shrink itself and if it didn't, surgery was the next step.

I tried to imagine myself without a breast, knowing I'd feel like a freak with just one.

I mean, I knew I'd have a reconstruction done, but in the build up to that, how could I go about my daily routine, knowing the horror under my clothes.

I hoped to God chemotherapy and radiation would shrink it because I couldn't face the possibility of having surgery.

"How old are you, honey?"

I pulled my AirPods out, after noticing someone was talking to me.

"Sorry?"

"How old are you, honey?" The woman asked again, smiling at me.

"I'm twenty" I smiled back, noticing her hair was already gone.

Poor thing.

"So young" she whispered. "Haven't you anyone to sit with you?"

I shook my head.

"Why not?" She asked and I couldn't help but smirk at her abrasiveness.

"I didn't tell anyone" I shrugged. "I didn't feel like telling anyone"

She smiled at me again, and I couldn't help but smile in return.

"Can I sit?"

"Sure" I replied, urging her to sit beside me.

"I'm Mary" she introduced herself. "I'm twenty eight, married, pregnant and I have ovarian cancer"

She was straight to the point, wasn't she?

"I..uh-"

Mary laughed. "It's better to get it out there than to beat around the bush, honey. How about you?"

I stared at her, biting my lip and wondering if this was the right thing to do.

I mean, I assumed making friends here was probably a good thing because at least these people knew and understood what I was going through.

"I'm Madison. I'm Twenty, I have a boyfriend and I have breast cancer"

I sighed in relief and she made herself comfortable next to me.

Mary smiled. "How do you feel now, saying it out loud?"

"Better" I smiled at her. "Thank you"

"You're welcome. Make yourself comfortable, we'll be here a while" She said. "Music helps"

"You've done this before?" I asked

"This is my fourth session" she smiled, patting her little bump.