On Me (Matt Sturniolo)

21

I woke up just a few hours of the show starting and I panicked.

Luckily for me, I had time to sort myself out with a hot shower, a quick hairstyle, subtle makeup that wasn't too much and an outfit that didn't scream desperate.

I managed to get to the arena before I had a dozen missed calls and texts from Rachel, and maybe a search party on top of that, when I noticed I had missed calls and texts from Matt too.

I didn't answer because I remembered what the website said.

I didn't want anything to sway me into making a decision, even though on paper, Matt was better.

I wanted the commitment to be something I made through my actions and through my heart...I didn't want it to take over me.

I knew if I was to stay with Josh, I had to work on building a healthy, stable relationship, but not on my own.

I had to make it clear that it was something we both had to work on if the relationship was going to continue, because I couldn't do it like this.

And then there was Matt...how could I stay friends with him when I knew how much I wanted him and vise versa?

Was Rachel right to suggest a break, so I was single and able to do what I want?

Was that the way to go?

What if I didn't do the break and I wanted to stay safe with Josh, the both of us deciding to try harder...and he didn't want me to be friends with Matt?"

How could I go on wondering what he was up to?

I enjoyed his friendship more than anything in the world, I didn't have many friends since my cancer diagnosis and he quickly turned into one of my best ones...what if that happened and it made me feel empty?

"That'll be twenty dollars, miss"

I looked up away the window, staring at the cab driver in front of me.

"Sure" I said, reaching into my purse for the money. "Here you go" I smiled, handing it to him. "Keep the change, thank you"

I got out of the cab, pulling down my floral printed dress down my lap.

It wasn't short, it was long and it was a cute dress that made me feel girly and it stopped above my knees.

The dress was a mixture of blues, pinks, yellows and red, teamed with a brown belt and sandals

I decided to leave my hair down, and with it being slightly curled, I could feel it sway and the breeze on my back.

I pulled my phone out of my bag, quickly texting Matt that I was right outside.

I put my phone back in my bag and sat on a nearby bench.

I wasn't going to text Rachel because I knew she was with Nate and I took so much of her time, so I figured while I sat outside, I could think clearer about everything.

I had to be prepared for some sort of aftermath.

I knew choosing between two guys would affect my relationship with them both

I knew if I stayed with Josh, I wouldn't be able to be in contact with Matt...which would break his heart and mine, and if I chose Matt, I'd be destroying Josh.

I knew once I made my decision, things would still be rocky..and I had to be prepared to lose the guy I didn't choose.

I knew deep down I had to accept the decision I was going to make and that my life was mine to live, while trying to hurt others as little as possible.