On Me (Matt Sturniolo)

11.

"You said earlier, all you had was Josh and Rachel..." Matt spoke softly, and I could tell he was treading carefully. "Have you no other family members...?"

I shook my head, finishing the batter I was mixing on the counter.

There was egg and flour everywhere, but I didn't care about the mess, even though the first thing I thought of when we walked in here was, 'I hope this place is clean' and it was.

"Not even your parents?" Matt asked and I froze on the spot, which he noticed.

"Did I not tell you? My Mom died when I was born" I told him, feeling the thoughts of her cloud its way through my mind.

She really was beautiful.

"Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, Madison"

"It's okay. Thanks though" I smiled, mixing the batter. "My dad, he couldn't cope with it...he tried to, but he couldn't live without her. He killed himself on the tenth anniversary of her death"

I felt his eyes on me, his face twitching as my words sunk in.

"I'm...so sorry" He exhaled. "I didn't know"

"It's okay" I smiled at him. "You didn't know"

"You've really been through hell, huh?"

I laughed, getting the jug from the cabinet to pour batter into it.

"Some would say so, but I try not to let it drag me down...he wasn't happy and he couldn't see a future without her, so it gives me comfort they're together"

"He wasn't happy even though he had you?" He asked. "I mean, he must have been?"

"Not really" I answered. "I grew up with my grandmother for a while, I saw him when he wanted to see me. I always knew deep down he blamed me for her death. I mean, living without the love of your life must be earth shattering"

"I guess" Matt mumbled. "Do you blame yourself?"

I froze on the spot because no one had taken the time to ask me that before, so the fact he did, threw me.

"Some part of me does, yeah"

"Why?"

I shrugged. "I guess, on my rough days, I blame myself because I had no Mom growing up. My grandmother tried...but it was never the same. My teenage years were the worst, that's when I really needed my Mom. So then, I guess you could say that I did blame myself then"

"It wasn't your fault" Matt said firmly. "I'm sure-"

"She had cancer too, Matt" I cut him off. "She found out when she was pregnant with me, she refused treatment because it would harm me. I'm not sure if I killed her or if the cancer did at the end, nobody told me"

I didn't mean for it to come across that way, but I was brought up with it so I wasn't used to someone asking questions or caring, except for Josh and Rachel.

"What's your grandma like?"

I smiled. "She's crazy"

"Yeah?" He laughed and I nodded. "How crazy?"

"You know, old ladies, they think they're anything and everything"

"That didn't answer my question, did it?" He asked, laughing. "What's she really like?"

I stared at Matt, biting my lip.

"She's funny, she loves Tom Jones, Golden Girls is her favourite show, she has a thing for Pete Davidson, which I think is really weird. She hates the internet..."