On Me (Matt Sturniolo)

30

"Do you have any questions?"

I stared at Rebecca, as she smiled at me.

I was in the middle of a surgical room, dressed in a hospital gown that I had to wear during radiotherapy.

More radiotherapy is administered by a oncologist at a radiation centre and usually starts three to four weeks after surgery, but an operation was ruled out for me from the start until I had gone though chemo and radiation.

According to the doctor, radiation was used to destroy undetectable cancer cells and reduce the risk of cancer coming back later on in life.

"So, I have to..climb into that and the rays will lower the chance of it coming back?"

"Yeah" she said. "It's very normal and safe, Madison, but don't worry. I'll be here throughout it all. Once you lay down, I'll talk you through it"

I nodded. "Okay" I gulped, stepping towards the machine.

I knew once I was in the machine, I'd be laying down with my boob exposed while the machine shot radiation beams.

I could no longer use deodorants, lotions or creams around my breast, washing with soap would suffice for now.

I was advised by Rebecca and the doctor that although resting is important, I was advised to try and stay active, unless it hurt.

The doctor also said to take care of myself by making nutrition a priority, which brought me back to the day when Rachel and Matt stepped in with their intervention.

Matt.

"Madison?"

"Huh? Sorry I was miles away"

"It's okay to be nervous" she smiled. "As I was saying, you'll have to keep your ring off in the machine"

I looked down at my hand, looking at the single diamond ring on my it.

My left hand

"Oh yeah" I sighed, using my other hand to twist the ring and take it off.

"I hear congratulations are in order?" She smiled at me,as she clicked some buttons and started the machine. "I hope I'm invited to the wedding" she half joked, as I lay on the table.

Wedding.

I stared at the ceiling, feeling Rebecca undo my gown and push it back, exposing what was needing of my chest.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah" I whispered. "I just have a lot on my mind"

"Okay, try and relax. Lift up your arm and stay perfectly still, okay? It'll be over before you know it" she smiled, before she turned around.

Over before I knew it?

My life was over before I knew it, I thought, biting on my lower lip and forcing myself to hold back the tears.

"Ready when you are, Madison" she called out and I gave her a thumbs up, telling her I was ready.

Everything was so...messy and the thought of telling Matt that I was off limits because I made the decision to accept Josh's proposal, made me feel sick and light headed.

I made the choice and I had to stand by it...I just wasn't looking forward to breaking his heart and my own in the process.

***

It was pouring rain outside and I couldn't help but smile, thinking to myself that Mary would love this.

She would've gotten a kick out of it, I was sure of it.