On Me (Matt Sturniolo)

18

"Isn't this nice?"

I fumbled with my bathrobe, pulling it tighter around my waist.

It felt big on me, which I wasn't used to because I wasn't used to being this skinny.

I felt naked...like I was always checking I wasn't exposed because it felt so big on me.

I was sat in a massive leather chair with a towel wrapped around my hair.

We decided to go with the bamboo treatment for me and under the forceful, but very kind, reassurance from my best friend, we went for anything we could get our hands on.

We went in the pool, had a massage, had the bamboo treatment..and to be honest I couldn't remember what else we had because it was full on, it was one after the other.

Even though I was too proud to admit it, I was grateful for this and even though he wouldn't be paying, I was going to thank him for thinking about me like this.

Rachel stepped out of the shower, water dripping from her legs.

I was already being seen to as I was currently in the chair having my feet re-energised.

"It's amazing" I sighed as she sat down next to me.

"I'm glad you're enjoying it" she smiled at me. "Thanks for letting me do this"

I turned to her, noticing the way she was looking at me.

In that moment, I realised how much I pushed her away from me and the cancer.

I didn't think I was controlling, not really, but as I sat here with Rachel, I realised how much I had been hurting her lately.

I wanted to make it up to her, but I didn't know. The yelling she did was the wake up call I needed.

Having this disease had somehow controlled me, how I felt, what I wanted to do, it controlled my lifestyle and pushed away the people cared about me the most..but mostly, having cancer made me realise her and Matt were right.

I was a people pleaser, I did everything for others and nothing for myself. I needed to figure out what I liked and not be consumed or afraid in what others think...especially Josh.

The way I was behaving was a big wake up call, and thanks to my illness, I decided my way of living wasn't healthy.

I was going to spend this week thinking carefully about what I wanted, if there was a future for Josh and I or if anything was going to happen with Matt.

First things first, I had to make it clear to myself that while I still belonged to someone else, I couldn't cross that boundary.

I couldn't control my dreams, but in real life, I could try and control everything with Matt.

I had to be control and fight it.

"I'm loving this, just you and I..." Rachel sighed. "Even if I am missing Nate"

I raised my eyebrow at her. "I thought we said no men"

She smiled. "I can't help it...he consumes me, I'm not afraid to admit"

I knew the feeling, really.

"He asked me to dinner tonight, you should come"

"You want me to third wheel your date?" I asked, frowning.

"When you put it like that..."

"I'll pass, thanks" I laughed. "I think I'll have an early night-"

"Don't be boring" she mumbled. "You're in Milan. When will you ever get to come here again?"