Void Stage

Second Mistake

I was lying in this hospital bed and again I got lost in thoughts to remember what happened to me last time. I thought my soul got dragged out into the darkness as I tried to read the books without prior preparations. Then I noticed someone opened the door and walked into my room. My wife Padmaja was in front of me, after so many years I was seeing her. I left her six years back to seek the ultimate truth behind human life, to find all the answers to my questions. I didn't have any idea what to say. After seeing her it brought back a flood of memories. 

We married each other as my parents forced me to marry her and it was an Indian arranged marriage. I adjusted with her just for my parent's sake. But after the passage of my parents, something broke inside me. I lost my purpose to live. I decided to leave her on my journey to understand the truth of life. Although it was my selfish desire to get away from responsibilities, still she accepted my feelings and I left her. After that, I continued my journey to achieve my dream. I studied under some of the greatest masters of spiritual disciplines across the globe. But despite all their teachings, I was still unable to succeed. I could not gather the courage to speak to her as I never contacted her again after leaving once. I never once asked her about the situation. How she might be making her livelihood?

She broke the silence and asked, "How are you feeling now?"

With a shy voice, I said, "I am ok, just some after-effects."

She: "What happened?"

I: "I am not sure myself. As far as I remember, I was reading a book last time."

She: "You must have lost the sense of time while reading as far as I know your habits. The doctor was saying that there were some symptoms of deficiency of food and water."

I started to think to myself, "How much does she know about me? Just showing off like she cares about me. I never contacted her, but she could have contacted me instead. Well, who am I to say all this to her? It was all my fault, I never respected her for once after our marriage and suddenly left her life to be a Bairagi."

She interrupted my thoughts and said, "I was so worried. I got a call from the hospital, the doctor said your condition is getting worse. I need to be present for formalities. I came running here after that. I was so worried. Doctors said suddenly your heart beat is fluctuating which is a sign before a patient goes into cardiac arrest. Thanks to God, you are well and good now."

I: "I don't know if I should thank you or ask for your forgiveness."

She: "Please don't get worried about all that now. First, get well soon. I need to go now. I postponed one urgent meeting and I have some unfinished work at home. I am leaving for now. Bye. I will call you back."

I: "Sure. And thanks for all of your help."

She served my entire family with kindness in the past days. Even then, she has not once attempted to make me feel bad or passed judgment on me for not being able to live the life she came to create. She was giving me consolation and encouragement.

I thought, "It is irrelevant. It's not worth worrying about her.", my ego covered my emotions. I was experiencing both joy and sorrow at the same time. I'm starting to realize how much I lost and experienced loneliness during the years after moving out of my house. But despite it all, I didn't accomplish anything.

Late at evening, I noticed she was calling, but I lacked the bravery to answer. She sent me a text instead because I didn't answer.

She: "Hi, you must be sleeping. I am sorry I could not call you earlier because of too many pending tasks. I may not be able to visit tomorrow too, so don't worry. I applied for urgent leave, but it was rejected, as exams were going on at school. So I asked one of my friends who works the morning shift to manage instead of me, on the day shift. But even she informed me that she had some emergency. As you are better now, I agreed to help her. I still have some tasks at hand that I need to finish for tomorrow, and need to do her morning shift and day shift too. I will try to visit you tomorrow evening if possible. Please take care."