Regrets

Chapter 2

Freen's

We're currently in becbec's condo, catching up with things that's been going on with each other's life. I know I haven't been there for her, with her for quite sometime now. I'm feeling all guilty and stuff that's why I decided to make plans with her today.

Eversince I had a boyfriend, Saint, things have changed between me and becky. Before Saint and I got into a relationship, becky has confessed to me her romantic feelings. I kinda expected it, I felt it way before she even confessed. I know she felt something for me.

Becky is such a fine beautiful young lady. I see her as a woman, really. And I know what that means. She has a beautiful soul as well, she's like a sunshine to everyone around her. Every answer I gave to every interview questions about becky, all of those I know from the bottom of my heart, are all true. She's everything to me. That's why when she told me she loves me more than just a best friend, a Phi, my heart skipped multiple beats. It was weird. I know I sound weird right now, but you know the feeling when you have something so precious you don't want to lose it in any way possible? That's how I was feeling.

Becky is something so precious and so fragile to me to the point that I don't wanna do anything with her with the terrifying thoughts that I might break her. I prevented myself to further deepen the feelings that were slowly crawling to my whole being. I decided I don't want to be romantically involved with her so I rejected her. And that's why when Saint entered my life, I grabbed it as an opportunity to run from the feelings I am feeling towards Becky.

Everything went well, though. Saint was nice. We were doing good, I think. I like us just fine. But clearly, I can't associate love with this person, but I'm trying, at least. It became such a big help for me to stop to further deepen the feelings I don't want to feel anymore towards becky.  I tried my very best working out my relationship with Saint, even after the viral video. And I think so far, we're good.

But doing so, trying to save myself from all those feelings, I didn't notice that I'm actually kinda neglecting becbec in the process. I'm hurting of course, with the thought that she's hurting because of me. We promised to maintain things between us, but I'm kinda ditching her on it lately. To the point that she's actually involved with some romantic situation now and I didn't know about it. Damn, I don't wanna know about it if given the choice. But of course, I don't want her to feel like I'm not giving a damn about those things with her when she clearly gives all damns about me and Saint when we were just starting. She was supportive and stuff but I know she was hurting, and damn if it didn't hurt me too.

After she revealed everything about the ongoing thing between her and this Taran girl, I didn't know how to react. I'm not even sure what to feel. I don't know, should I be happy?? That she finally decided to move on from me, that she will finally stop hurting. Of course I would want that. I want her to stop hurting but I'm not very sure if I wanted her to move on from me and get involve with another girl. Damn, I'm selfish.

After everything I did to get rid of these feelings, I was instantly slapped with the reality that I'm still very much affected and the feelings are still there. Hearing her say Taran is this, Taran is that.. with her eyes sparkling and stuff, I felt a knot in my stomach. My girl has finally decided she will move forward, I should be happy because that's what I want from her from the start, right? That was what I was aiming for when I decided to be with Saint, when I decided I don't want to be romantically involved with her. But, just what the hell am I feeling these painful knots in my stomach for right now?

That Taran decided to further prolong the pain I am currently feeling and called becky.

"Hi.." she softly answered the call.

"yeah, i'm eating now. you?" wow, i mean, they are actually in this stage now??

"it's chinese, what are you having?"

"that's some nice treats, then" becky answered laughing. for a moment i wanted my capability to hear and see to stop. she was all smiles talking with her on the phone, her whiskers showing.

"everything went well today at work.. yeah.."

"thank you.."

"uhmm.. yeah.. i'm actually with p'freen now.."

"we'll talk about it later, yes.."

"i know, thanks for reminding.."

"okay.. i'll call you later. bye, Taran.. yeah, you too.." i'll call you later.. so they'll be talking over the phone later too. before she sleep. she will probably wish my becky good night and ask her to dream of her.

after their call, becky directed her gaze towards me. i'm like a statue just staring at her. i don't know what to say or what to react because i am currently feeling all sorts of emotions right now that i was speechless. i am feeling hurt, and feeling like a fool, a big one at that currently. i just stared back at her hoping she won't see the hurt in my eyes.

after telling me that it was Taran who called and told me that they'll have a talk to schedule the meetup between us three, we proceeded to eating our dinner silently, then watched the movie The Croods. We were awkwardly laying in her bed, heads on the headboard when she suddenly scooted closer and laid her head on my shoulders. i feel like crying, really. i wanted to just wrap her in my arms, hold her until i feel okay again, until we both feel okay again. But I won't do it, I can't do it. It feels like there's that big gap between us now, the one I forcefully created for my own benefits, for my own feelings.

i decided to drive back home and not stay the night. i saw how she got disappointed when i told her i'll go home tonight. the sadness in her eyes made me want to tear up. she probably feeling all sad with the visible changes in us. i am too, but i can't stay the night knowing the possibility of hearing her talking with her future girlfriend. and because of the earlier's scene i am now questioning myself if i really want to meet Taran, if i'm ready to see becky with her, to see my girl getting all giddy with the person that could possibly take becky away from me completely. i must really be getting all crazy.

just before i went to sleep contemplating my life decisions after today's event, i received a message from becky.

"P'Freen, Taran and I already talked about the meetup, we decided we'll have it this coming Sunday night if you're free? please let me know. also, thank you for tonight. i missed hanging out with you. have a good night p'freen."

she used to text me goodnights that goes like 'good night, babe! can't wait to spend time with you again tomorrow at work and after work ☺️ have a sweet sleep, p'freen! 🤍'  things really did change. and all i have is myself to blame.

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hi! 👋 please let me know about your thoughts so far. sweet sleep, guys! 🫶🏻