Regrets

Chapter 5

Becky's

try harder. you know exactly what to do. fill in that gap that you forcefully put between us.. you were the only one trying to put one p'freen. i was trying my best to be okay with everything because we promised that despite the rejection, despite you having a boyfriend, despite you not being able to reciprocate my feelings, we promised to try our best to remain the same. you promised me you would stay, that we would stay the same and despite all the pain that i felt i held onto that just simply cause i don't want to lose you. but despite every promise we made, you made, you ditched us. you ditched me. you're well aware how much i was hurting but you chose to be away. you chose to put in a gap between us. everything would've felt okay eventually, slowly, knowing that you're there. but you weren't..

that's what i answered freen when she said she's trying. i'm staring straight into her eyes and i can see the hurt in them. i am hurting too, though. so much and i want her to see that.. this is the first time that i actually told her those. the first time i got to admit to her that i was hurt and is still so damn hurting.

from the moment she rejected me, i myself don't even know how i managed to smile at her through it all. but it was hell. then she decided to further deepen the pain when she got Saint as her boyfriend. she didn't hear anything from me, i supported her despite the pain. She doesn't know a bit about all kind of hell she put me through. but i told myself i'll manage because she promised me we won't change. she promised me she'd stay.

she did, but not like the stay stay. she wasn't entirely there. she was busy with her relationship while i tried to comfort myself my own way. I know i had to. i smiled with freen in front of everyone, in front of our fans. i smiled and tried my very best to feel okay so that in their eyes, we're still the same FreenBecky.

i navigated each day with a smile on my face and rain in my heart. i always wondered how she do it, though. I know she loves me too. I can feel it, i know she does. that's why i didn't understand her rejection at first. then Saint happened, and that's when i thought maybe she really does love me as her Nong, as her best friend only because there's no better interpretation for it when she got into a relationship.

i forced myself to bury every single moment we shared where we did things that we both know are beyond the boundaries of just being friends or sisters.

i managed to control my tears and it is now freen who's crying a bit harder.

i know bec, i know... let me make up for all of it. I'll do anything, just please stop hurting. she said sobbing. I'm staying this time i promise. i won't leave you again like that, she held my cheeks this time, caressing it softly. we'll work things out together from now on and make sure that we will get back to how we used to be..

I wasn't able to control the rapid flow of my tears again and cried as hard as her. she pressed our forehead together and i nodded.

it feels lighter now. so much lighter. i know i'm asking for something that might shake me again with the possibility of the pain becoming twice or even thrice as deep. but all i know for now is, this is what i want. i want us to be back to the way that we used to. i love her so much to lose her over rejection, to let myself lose what we have just because she cannot reciprocate my feelings. it's hard i know, but i'll manage. i'll manage because she'll be there with me.

we hugged each other again tighter this time while she caressed the small of my back softly. we really should stop crying now if we don't wanna get very, very puffy eyes, she said chuckling. I detached myself from our hug and we started thumbing the tears in each other's faces.

your fault, i told her pouting. she smiled at that and then gave me a tap on the nose. i seriously missed you, becbec, she said, sincerity in her now puffy eyes are visible. i can't believe how this whole situation felt so heavy one time and then light the next. It was like we were woken up from the worst nightmare. how i wish that was the case.