Regrets

Chapter 7

Becky's

After Freen left, I stayed seated on the couch in my living room. My mind wandered back to last night's. I knew she wouldn't tell me the truth when I asked about her puffy eyes earlier, but I chose not to be pushy about it.

She was crying last night and I'm about a hundred percent sure that it isn't because of the movie she said she watched. She didn't watch any. I knew she cried for a different reason. I heard her sniffling last night. Though I didn't open my eyes to see and confirm that she was crying, I knew she was. That's why when I felt her shift in the bed, I spooned her from behind. I wanted to comfort her somehow though, I wasn't sure why she was crying.

I honestly wanted to ask her about it, but I thought if she wanted to share it with me, she would. Perhaps, she doesn't feel comfortable yet in sharing it that was why she cried when she thought I was already asleep.

If the same thing happened way before things got messy between us, I would have done more. I would've held her in my arms even before the first tear from her eyes flowed. I would've held her close and told her that everything would be alright that I was not going anywhere, and that I would hold her in my arms until she felt okay.

I would've done more than just listen to her cry. but I didn't, I held back. Because I know it's not the same us anymore. We both know that we're back, but not like really back. Things have changed even though we both won't admit it. There were changes.

When I wanted her back in my life, I wanted us to be how we used to be. But when she came back, I realized that it wouldn't be possible for us to be the same way anymore. That I cannot afford for us to be that way anymore for my sake. I needed to save myself. I realized if we went back on the way we were, then I would just continuously fall for her, even harder, even deeper that it scares me just how much pain it would bring me again.

I realized I could still want her in my life, that she could still be a part of it even not in the way I wanted her to. And I realized that's okay. I'm letting my feelings go for her because this time, I'm choosing myself. I'm not gonna depend my happiness on her anymore. Not anymore.

The pain that I felt did a pretty good job of making me want to really move on. I love her, I still do. I don't think I will ever stop. But I don't wanna dwell on it anymore. I'm done dwelling on it. I want to have my peace, my heart, and myself back and I will do just about everything in my power to do that.

I decided to stop thinking about it and focus on what I do for my date with Taran tomorrow, instead. She recently told me that her favorite pasta was pesto when we were talking randomly over the phone. And since I promised to make it big in making it up with her, I want to do something extra. I want to cook her her favorite pasta.

Cooking pasta is kind of easy, I know how to cook some recipes. I used to cook for Freen before. I find frying more challenging than cooking pasta, to be honest. But making pesto is kinda new to me.

I started ordering the needed ingredients online. I decided I'd try and practice making it now since I don't have anything to do.

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It's now currently 6:35pm and I'm eating the pasta I've made earlier. It's pretty good and I'm feeling proud of myself.

The dinner meeting Taran has mentioned before is probably ongoing right now. I can't wait for it to finish and talk to her. I've made plans already. Since I want to cook her pesto, I decided we'll do our date in her house. If ever she thinks it would be possible, it's gonna be our first time doing our date in there.

I'm anticipating Taran's call around 9pm so I decided to call Richie first to ask for a favor. I started dialing his number and on the third ring he finally answered.