overdramatic?.....

friendless childhood🤍.

Ever since I was a kid I kinda... Yk... Don't have any other friends other then my brother's friends, my mom's friend's kids, and CJ, that became my childhood bestfriend because her mom and my mom became bestfriends. We're considered cousins now. She doesn't really like me that much. Especially with the way I constantly cling on her. She always rolls her eyes and walk away whenever I gesture to have a hug. We're different but I accepted how she's not used to affection or hugs, she was kinda my only friend when I was always stuck at home everyday, especially when I didn't have a phone back then. I was just doing chores in the house or watching my brother's phone incase I don't have anything to do

I wasn't really social as a kid, and I never really used internet technologies, so I kinda understand why I don't have a "childhood" still, but sometimes I don't really get why my other friends get mad at me for that when I don't know they're childhood streamers, kpop's, or other fandoms, my brothers always get the technologies as birthday gifts, I was still a kid so my mom didn't want to give me any of those, once school started, my brother's helped me with my school uniform or how I look just incase, caused me to be tomboyish I guess or just use my clothes,

It sounds a bit cringe but, believe me if I said I got bullied throughout all the school years, mostly girls. Grade 2 was mostly boys just hurting me physically instead of emotionally, I tried getting to know them once, (which was embarrassing) since I just gave them money out of a sudden and thumbs up at them. They actually twisted my hand and I cried at school- embarrassing... The teacher wasn't there so my classmates just waited to tell the teacher while I was calming myself.

"J" was my bully too, which I already told... She mostly called me ugly back then at elementary or just insult me behind my back, calling me bad hygiene or something, "K" was there too, funny how I'm friends with them because my other friends were friends with them too.. while they forgot what they did- all I remember about "K" actually was just ripping out a paper I made, or just simply, a homework or for a group project, don't really remember anything else anymore..

And actually, I do tell my mom about those bullying that happens at school. She always say she "did something about it" but nothing really change, she doesn't really go to my school, not even for my card day too

In grade 6 too, I told her about something happening at school, my mom literally fought with me because I snapped at her, and she just said she did something about it. I didn't even get any call of my classmates if she even came to school so...

Oh right, back on topic... Sorry.

I'm kinda weird for this, aren't I? I'm having a lot of panics lately. As if I'm being weird or if I'm making someone uncomfortable now that they don't even want to talk to me anymore.

Ill make it short this time for making you read those off topic ones, it doesn't even fit with the title. Kinda cringe how I know someone's reading this, it just feels nice that someone is actually listening to me rant all about this useless things about me and my flaws :>.

I really don't have friends. Really. My mom makes it seem she doesn't want me to have friends too. She always gate lock me at home, chores and more. Or just leave me there while my brothers were off somewhere, mostly church.

And after that I'm just used to being alone more then ever, yet I'm still scared to be actually left alone. Our house is abit small. I keep the door open while the gate is closed. Just so I could feel and know someone is actually still there instead of just myself. Watching the other kids play those happy games with friends just makes me jealous.

Sometimes they'll even try to talk to me because I was new to this neighborhood. And I'd just keep quiet almost too long since I'm thinking about what I should say, other just suddenly say what I say to other friends, I'm just really cautious to my words, they're kids. they're younger then me so
I just shut up.

At night I'd just stay at the lake river made nearby our house at night, just the tied up collar dog keeping me company, I call him, light. But his real name was Sandro. I call him light since his golden. And bright. And cute,

The doggy was definitely a golden retriever.
A friend of mine. It was the first thing I noticed when I changed to the new house after all.
I feed him cautiously just incase if he bites
And overtime, me and that doggy are like friends now

Just kinda friend buddies, pet buddy,
sometimes I just go there to just vent.
Talking to a dog, I'm dumb for that,
I know right, but it just kinda feels good too..
At least the doggy knows how to listen. Instead of a actually person listening and just suddenly say something that's not even through that topic or just suddenly say something I'm not used to.
Or insulting me for making myself like this.

If the doggy is still asleep, I just stay at home, waiting, sometimes. Knowing that I'm away from people I trust kinda makes me love starve.

Or touch starve. I'm really clingy still.

I kinda trust people too much at almost an instant. It isn't even a secret at this point. Like If they interact with me, I start approaching them more and call them my friends, if they want to be my friend, I call them my best friend instantly.

For some reason I don't even care if any of them backstab me, use me or manipulate me at this point, I don't know how it happens even plus being used as a bank, I'm already used to it, lol, so I'll just stay friends with anyone :DD

Abit weird too huh?...
I forgot what to say next anymore...

I'm not in my venting mode
like finishing it all now.

I'm driven by anxiety at this point.
I just forget things I want to say
Whenever I want to be serious.

Oh jeez.

___________________________________________________

Needed to stop. I'm sorry, I'm just not in my usual self anymore. I'm sorry for that. Aghhh. I just feel pathetic today. My head hurts from myself too. I know. Im sorry.

1131 words.