overdramatic?.....

better friend.

Yea. Maybe I was being overdramatic after all. I've changed haven't I? Shit shit shit I guess. Was I even ever good enough from the start? Or am I just being selfish... I relie on myself more about they're situations which only caused them to hate me more doesn't it? I'm being a shitty friend to my first friends that actually became my best friend and I'm. Being the worst...

Augh. I've became more serious.... Honestly... I'm trying my best... But sometimes they just remind me of my family now. Whenever I make a joke(tried to) sometimes they just take it out as serious and genuine and just. Argue about it.(or. If they say "isn't" an arguement. Depends on they're opinions of course. Always.)

Maybe I did change a lot. They probably don't like me as a so called "friend" now. I've messed up a lot and most of our fights... Most of them being hurt... Most of them being upset.... It was all my fucking fault.

If honestly, I wish I could just shut the fuck up and be mute or anything to keep myself shut the fuck up. Not mess up they're day. And not hurt them. Then maybe I would be a better friend.

I did a lot of shitty things now. I can't even say what I have to think or feel on what I say because of myself ruining things further. IT'S SO FUCKING UNFAIR. I just wish I was my old self again now.

I'm being overdramatic again. Even my problems became they're problems... I'm so selfish for that.

I'm trying my best so hard to improve... But after even that... I still can't gain any of they're trust... Neither have they even have it in the first place.

I feel like a SHITTY person.

Do I really care about them or myself?

I became unfunny, serious, selfish, self-doubting, and even the thing I hated being the most. FUCKING NEGATIVE!?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S MY GOAL ANYMORE.
I'm ruining things. No matter how much I try to be better I just keep ruining things now.
Was it because of my problems or issues? Am I really changing into this?

Stop pitying me already. I know I'm the one that's fault already but they keep denying it. THEN WHO'S FAULT WAS IT? if only I could've shut my mouth then none of us would end up like this.

Sammy... If only I could say how much I wanted to stop loving her. I do. but I wanted to stop. I'm not even that good enough for her. Plus her parents would hate her if we even became together so why is she acting like she likes me when she's more into my brother and more into boys. Even liking others when she knows I like her. Even just... Couldn't be honest enough with me so I could understand more and fix everything I did to be much more better. She's still a good friend since she was there for us.

Annika?... I don't know... They're all sensitive. But who said I wasn't either? Annika was more... Determine. She's stronger then me. But I keep breaking her limit. I was even too annoying. My heart is getting anxious. She was even much more of a loyal friend.

Rhoxxy. I keep only causing her more problems. She trusted enough to say her problems to me instead of the others. And I just kept making her more trauma and even backstabbing her. Like she said she was.... Even if she keeps saying we are even though we aren't. What if I was? Without even realizing it?...
They're all stronger then me. But I'm too selfish to realize that huh. Even they can agree.
Even the others got hurt by her because I HURTED her. I'm like a shitty gaslighting friend.

How could they even call me a friend? Or more. A bestfriend.

How can I earn that role of a bestfriend
If I'm such a mess.

Maybe this is why I never had friends to begin with in my pasts, I always messed up a friendship. And now that I got a second chance to have friends instead of a loner again.

I just fucking messed it up.

Princess. A classmate of mine. Only proves my point. I kept going to her house only for 2 days and now she didn't wanna be friends anymore. She was... Uncomfortable with me being too affectionate, clingy, attention seeking,
and even touch starve.
Like a freaking obsessed freak.

But how come she did that others so comfortably but with me...

THAT JUST PROVES MY POINT!

no one really liked me. Even as simple as that. THEY HATE ME ASF!

Even my childhood bestfriend purposely forgot about me. But even his parents knew me and tried to explain who I was buy just declined even.

At this point I have no doubt they don't wany me to be in the friend group anymore soon.

Everyone hates me that much they keep leaving me huh. I'm just being an asshole to others without realizing it... Maybe?...

I'm even absent to everyone's life to know they're problems... I can't even be there for them anymore... Can't keep my words...

I'm fucking useless. I can wait for years for them to forgive me. I can just wait. Right?...

I don't even know how to take care of myself then.

I don't even have a comfort person anymore. If they're just gonna hate me after wards... Maybe even leave me?.

I'm starting to have abandonment issues, huh. I don't even know if that's the right thing to say. Because maybe if I did they'll argue with me again,

Maybe because I'm the most open person. Showing off as if I'm the most un-sensitive person ever. Makes them think I'm not even human and just think I can handle everything they say.

Im so fucking sensitive that's what. I can't even handle it when my brothers left me or even my mom. Even if they're fucking shitty at all.

Call me plastic and I can already get my heart anxious...

I even try to feel more pretty just so I couldn't get any insults in my face to get more sensitive.

Right.

I'm just being dramatic over everything.

It's fine.

I'm just the fucking problem

And I'm sorry for that.

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I'm sorry if I'm being dramatic. I didn't really mean to sound so depressing even if I just do this for a way to let myself let it all out or something. It just feels more comfortable to actually know someone's listening to me.. I just kinda hope my friends doesn't see this.

I'm so sorry guys.